43 Troubled

Lost in the twilight,

Hidden from the moonlight.

There is something I seek,

But the prospects look bleak.

A place where I would not seek,

A name that I would not speak

Just like the oceans rumble,

My hands can't help but to tremble.

The sun, its rays light up the sky.

Birds, with their wings up high they fly.

My path is not unhindered,

I am not calm nor collected

Time marked its own beginning,

Time marks its own ending.

I made and crafted an end

Whose begin never began.

I may have searched for it.

i may have yearned for it.

I may or may not have deserved it,

Common sense deprived me of all of it.

42 Possibilities

Thoughtless, inconsiderate, irate, irritating, naive, and plenty other words that can describe that person. Yet to say nothing is the correct answer. To not do anything is the correct answer. To not show anything is the correct answer...

Being in service is tough. Never let anyone else tell you otherwise.

There are many people out there who see,

There are fewer out there who know.

With rising tempers their rational minds flee.

Without doubt they think they know.

Anger is a natural feeling.

It sometimes lead to grieving.

Yet there are those who don't hold it in.

At those times they can only sin,

So a message I must convey.

Its something you've heard in the past someday.

Patience is a virtue.

More so if you're service crew.

Watch out for your feelings, watch out for your emotions.

Don't throw them unto others just because you don't know them.

Don't let it run wild just because you know you're free from fault.

I have a kind heart but a black soul.

I may be nice but I'm forever cold.

You can never know my thoughts or my feelings.

You can't read my minds, can't hear the cursings.

As long as you're alive you have the possibility.

To change your heart and rid yourself of that disability.

The possibility that comes with being alive.

Can be used with the proper determination and drive.

But it seems that most are not aware of it. And some others incapable of seeing it. Then perhaps, that possibility should just be taken away from them. Those who deny those possibilities. Those that refute them.

41 Knowledgable

Some talk as if they understand,

Some talk as if they know.

But those that can really comprehend,

Their knowledge they never show.

Looks like once again I was right

I would never take part in the fight

Looks like I won the gamble,

So there isn't anything to grumble.

Yet why do I feel such emotions

Why am I such a flawed creation

Even though I know my strengths,

I refuse to acknowledge them.

Even though I know my weaknesses,

I persist using them.

I hate to lose,

But I don't really care for winning.

In the end I'm just indecisive.

I'm accustomed to that feeling.

I thought I found a reason,

I thought I had a motivation.

In the end I couldn't hold on to it.

I just backed into my retreat.

I need a new purpose, a new objective.

A new close, a reason to live.

Like a bird in the sky flying free,

I need a need to be happy.

There isn't anything else left for me.

Except for that mundane routine.

Doing nothing for the world I see.

Watching others commit nothing but sin.

I guess I'm tired,

Or just grown old.

See how easily I am satisfied,

Yet I want to try to be bold.

Perhaps it is the curse of my name.

To be satisfied, content.

To me everything has become the same.

Nothing much to lament.

Sadness

Temporal.
Why is everything so?
Why is everything temporary?
Why is there not something which can be permanent?
I did say those words.
Uttered that prayer.
Granted in a way I couldn't imagine.
A mere temporary cure.
Why is it that so?
Do you smite them so much?
I cannot do anything, I admitted that.
My words are no longer enough.
My words were never good enough.
But this temporary relief,
May be much more painful later on.
Like taking painkillers.
It erases the pain momentarily,
And when it comes back,
It is devastating.
I am sad.
Yet I am thankful.
Yet still sorrow envelopes me.
The truth still evades me.
For I am not that which is all knowing.
I am not that which is almighty.
I know only what was taught to me.
I am sad. For what I know is not enough.
Truly though, I am grateful.
But this bitterness isn't going to disappear...

40 All in One

Where there will be pain,
Where it always rains.
Where there is no warmth,
Where it sings sad songs.

A sorrowful melody,
A slow lullaby.
The search for a remedy,
That one cannot find.

Can which that is not an illness,
be cured with medicine?
Can which that is not suffering,
be saved through happiness?

A heart,
A dream,
Can the same cure be used,
On every illness?

39 Meaning

When the clock strikes,
It marks time.
How many nights,
Have I heard its chime?

That sorrowful bell,
The slight swell,
A dampened ring,
A single note to sing.

Its hypnotic tune,
A longing croon.
Its cry of lament,
The moans of repent.

Every hour of the night,
Every hour of the day.
Without hesitation,
Without dedication.

It's life marked by itself.
Every ring is a tale it sings.
And it sings till its end.
Yet, who knows whether its silence is eternal or momentary other than itself?

The meaning of itself is decided by itself.
Perhaps that would be true for people as well.

Yet

What is this thing that we pursue?
What is it that I pursue?
Is it happiness?
Is it money?
Power?
Fame?

I think not. Happiness can be attained even when having nothing. It is when we have something that we cannot fully gain the meaning of happiness because then we want more. Definitely we want more. Maybe tomorrow or next week? Maybe even next month or next year? Or are you craving for something already?

I am seeking for which that cannot be found. Bits and pieces reveal themselves to me and yet are out of reach. Yet there are still more out there which is still hidden. Yet I cannot do anything. Yet again,again yet. Yet.

Yet there are still no answers. Yet.

Prelude

Waiting for a person to appear,
Just waiting, waiting forever.

And when the person finally appears,
A hand is extended in greeting.
Despite all of my fears,
Nothing happened in our meeting.

Yet I feel sad,
For I didn't expect it to be that bad.
Not a smile not a thing.
It was as if I wasn't living.

That added to what I already had,
is a life of misery and pain.

I've never expected much,
but I didn't expect to get nothing.
Even if my entire life was a sin.

38 Meaningless Meaning

Walking down a deserted street with no turns left nor right
Looking up into a sky which was neither dark nor bright
I walk through an arch, an open door
In an empty space, an empty floor

Leading to no other rooms
The white walls were bare
The ceiling not even there

I used to wonder
And then I'd ponder
Where was I?
What was I?

The answers were simple yet not quite so.
This post is truly a great example.

Start with a song,
Then a haiku.
Then a rhyming riddle
With equal syllables

At first you don't see it,
When mentioned you count it.
I rhyme every phrase,
Counting each syllable.

The end result is a wonderful poem,
But its meaning still hidden from your sight.

There are no meaningless struggles,
Not a single word put to waste.
The question is the purpose,
The answer is the method.
The reason is the truth,
The excuse is the front.

Find it to know it.
Know it to find it.
If you would care,
It would be there.

37 Choice

A butterfly flying free,
A bee working earnestly.
Both share the same sky,
Yet for different reasons they fly.

One flies for itself,
Another for another.

As these two wander,
In my mind I ponder.
Who would I want to be?
Do I want to work or be flying free?

As I trace back to the roots,
I found the answer to this.
The problem is simple.
Yet the reasons are even more so.

To be with another person,
Is quite a heavy burden.
But flying alone,
Is quite a sorrow.

Then I ponder,
and continued to wonder,
Which of the two feels more joy?
Which of the two is more pitiful?

The prospect of flying free is appealing.
So is the thought of having another.
Yet I can't really decide.
My heart swaying to either side.

Left, right, left, right.
Steps neither heavy nor light.
Its sounds fading into the distance,
Echoing its elegance.

Every single step has a meaning.
A reason for moving.
Every single pause.
Has its own cause.

Now I ask that you ponder,
Imagine and wonder.
What is it that I would ask?
Isn't this a simple task?

Alone I wait,
Alone I stare.
Never putting on a single bait,
Just hoping for it to fall into my snare.

My eyes always searching,
My mind always thinking.
Where is my prey?
When will I be able to enter the fray?

It never dawned on me,
Because I already knew in me.
That as long as I wait baitless,
Regardless of my strength I am useless.

My arms never reaching,
Despite my heart's yearning.
My legs never moving,
Despite my soul's screaming.

Why is it do I keep waiting?
Why am I unmoving?
Why is it that all I do is yearn?
Why is it that I never learn?

All it takes is one step,
Spread my wings and give it a flap.
I could be moving at speeds,
where I can get all my needs.

Could be.
Is it not good enough?
why is it do I fear failure?
More so than I want to succeed?

If I don't try and fail,
Its because I didn't try.
But if I tried and failed,
It's because I wasn't good enough.

Am I scared of being weak?
Am I afraid of being less?
I want to attain what I seek,
Yet I fail to confess...

Life

There are many people whose lives are less than satisfactory, where even home is less of a sanctuary. There is someone I know whom is like that. Even if you ask me, why is life so screwed up?! I cannot answer fully. I can only give theories and guesses. My life, some would say isn't too bad. But I would like to differ. The state of someone's life isn't how others perceive it but how the person in question perceives it. I think my life is terrible. My life is full of inconsistencies, contradictions. It is riddled with lies and confusion. My life is nothing but empty. Even when I say this, I can't help but think. That the reason why my life is screwed is because I made it that way. There is someone I know, whose life is not very pleasant, not because of her own choices, but because it was god given. Is fate really that cruel? I'm afraid I can answer that. Yes. Fate is cruel. But because it is fate, it is but fate. We can't do anything about it. I made a mistake. A very cruel and sad mistake. I want to atone for it but I can't. Not with my current self I can't. I can't atone for the sin I had committed. So I will not ask for forgiveness. For that is beyond me. I don't want your pity. I don't need it.

One is tortured by others, another tortured by himself.
Are they really that different?
Or are they really similar to one another?

The circumstances are different.
Yet the feelings are the same.
Each wants to help the other.
But any efforts would be and have been in vain.

This is the life of two people. Me and a soulful another.

36 Heart

A dark substance,
Convulsing, undulating,
Constantly seeking space,
An unsightly fight.

A bright substance,
Expanding, compressing,
Constantly changing,
A beautiful pulse.


Reaching out, stretching.
Crying out, screaming.
Downpour, raining.
All that is left, nothing.

35 Part 3

We came to a stop at last in front of a three storey mansion. Well, at the very least, its wrought iron gates. There were twin doves carved into the design of the gate which each dove facing upward as if in anticipation of flight. My guide gestured me to go in. I stepped forward and the gate swung automatically open in greeting. I took a few more steps forward before looking back. My guide was gone. I guess that was where we were meant to part. I turned back and continued forward to the door counting the steps. On the 75th step, I stood face to face with the door. Unsure of what to do, I knocked.

"Enter," a voice sounded.

I looked for a door knob and found that there was none. I pushed the door lightly and it refused to move. Puzzled, I put more force onto the hand that was placed on the door. When it still did not move, I looked at the door one more time in detail. A clean white slate. That's what it looks like. There seems to be words inscribed on the door. I tried to make them out but they were in a language that I didn't understand. I traced the writing with my finger and felt the door slip. So it was a sliding door? I felt confused but entered nonetheless. Stepping into the room, I came to face another man. Upon seeing my face, he smiled.

"Welcome to my humble abode. My name is Fai Hiler. What may I do for you?"

"Um, I just followed a person who told me to come here. I am Rick Nathan."

"I am well aware. Please, have a seat." Fai said gesturing to the empty seat in front of him.

I walked uncertainly forward and sat on the chair. Fai continued to smile at me, waiting for something.

"I could read your mind and answer all your questions for you. However, it would be rude for me to do so. Voice your questions, and I will answer them. Do not fear me, for you have yet to wrong me of intention."

With that, our conversation started. A conversation full of unimaginable ideas, unbelievable facts and undeniable truth.

34 Part 2

My footsteps echoed through the empty street as the sole of my shoe hit against the cobbled stone. My guide was silent as the night that he sees through his eyes.
Walking in silence, there was no pretence. If I was less than a man, he'd be more than an ordinary man. He walked at a pace that was surely hard for his long legs, yet he didn't move any faster as I would have trouble keeping up. Such a person he was. A stony exterior yet kind and gentle. No, that doesn't seem to be it. It feels more like... manners? A gentlemanly nature. Surely if he was walking a dog he would walk a dog's pace. He is a man of respect. He respects all that he is around. It's as if being alive is his pride. No, that doesn't seem to be it either... This man is unreadable, with so many contradicting habits... What exactly is wrong with my analysis? It doesn't fit... Nothing fits... Even the town and everything else doesn't fit... I guess there is no logic in this illogical world...

"That's right, this world surpasses the logic of humans."

I stopped in my tracks, reflecting on his words. The words that flowed in a whisper with the wind. He read my mind? How? But I already had the answer... This is a world that surpasses logic.

He stood at a distance, waiting for me. I regained a little of my composure and resumed our walk...

33 Part 1

In a world where no one lives, in a place where no one stays. I stumble upon a time which was lost, captured from the time of unknown days. I walked through the gates, a gap in the space. I ended up in a place where everyone walks with grace. Why is it that this world with lands so vast, managed to elude nature and men of the present and past? I was befuddled by the appearance of such a land, that its beauty evaded my eyes though it was right in front of my hand. There was not a flaw, a single blemish. Not a single fault that could be righted not. A place of perfection, where nothing can be a distraction. Until someone steps in and disturbs the balance.

The streets had cleared, the people gone. No sounds of life, nothing moving in sight. That was when he appeared. A man like no other. In fact it wasn't a man but a creature bearing semblance to the figure of a man. I stared at the being moving without a sound. His steps even on the ground. He came at me with no apparent effort. This caused me quite some discomfort. My mind went blank, empty of thoughts. As in front of me he came to a stop. Now that he was this close I noticed something I couldn't see before. This being in front of me couldn't see. Yet, he was observing me as if he had eyes. Those eyelids of his were sealed tight by a scar. A wound irreparable that robbed him of his light. He motioned me to follow him and he turned around. Then we started a walk through what seemed like a ghost town.

32 Flames

When a fire is lit, what do you do?
When a fire rages, where do you run?
When a fire storms, where can you hide?
When the fire is out of control, what can you do?

And while the fire ravages all in its reach, there is nothing you can do. Nothing at all.
You shall be there feeling regret.
Why did I not put it out when it was small?
Why did I not control it when it was getting larger?
Why did I not get help as it grew?
Why did I not do anything?



Fire rages,
Even without fuel.
Reason diminishes,
The world becomes cruel.
Soon nothing would matter.
As all become captivated,
By the might of the destroyer.
Impulse of the man apprehended.

Cries of anguish, screams of pain.
Those who hinder, try in vain.

That which is in all, triggered by what which is one.
Thus man shall fall, eaten up by the hunt.

A flame can be handled, while it is still early. Cradled, while it is still young.
Do what you can while you can. Because you're nothing but man.

31 Differences

First post of the new year. It seems that a lot has happened over the past few months. Perhaps I am just seeking for what I don't have or cannot find.

This year, I have enrolled for religious studies. Its a five year program as its only on Sundays. This is what I have done to seek for the answers I need in life.

Last year, I played for TJCSB Fiesta.
I hung around them for awhile even visiting their open house last Saturday. I noticed a lot of differences between them and MJCSB. Why is it that TJ is much better than MJ? The people I met at TJ actually seems to have direction. A sense of purpose and fun. And a desire to achieve together. They have according to their own requirements achieved a balance between their studies and CCAs. MJ on the other hand, they just seem to be concerned about their studies because of the pressure and standards set by the school. Band there just seems like an ECA. I will say this. MJCSB will not improve from being the sub-standard band they are. If they take 3 months to get two pieces to a GOLD SYF award level, then how long would it take to get an entire repertoire to the standard of a gold band?

I will admit this too. Apparently I seem to be more attached to TJ band than MJ band. Ahahahahaha!

Despicable aren't I? I've been with MJ for an entire year, I only spent a month with TJ. Yet the short experience I had with TJ was much better than the one I had with MJ.

Oh, why don't I just change this post title to confessions?

Because I will confess that I have no attachment whatsoever to Meridian JC. So why did I go back to the band bbq and section outing? Cause I was bored. I wanted something to do. People to hang out with once in a while. Cause honestly I have been spending my time at home on the computer for a hell lot of time. Since when have I played dota so much at home? I played so much that I was actually getting back in touch with dota.

I also confess that I am able to have feelings towards someone again. The pain has returned. So that means that my emotions have returned too. I lost them somewhere in the mid year and they came back during the period I was playing for fiesta. Its won't be easy dealing with this pain in my body but it just shows how little I cared about my life in MJ.

I confess that I want to forget all about MJC. But I can't do it. I don't know if I will be able to do it but right now I can't. I left my memories with someone who is currently schooling in MJ. So I can't forget about it yet. Right now, she knows more about my past than I have ever told anyone. From my experiences in pri3, to what I have done in secondary school. Well, I didn't go in depth to what I did in VS but it doesn't matter. Anyway, about this refer to the previous post - 30 C ... That was the post I typed after I told this particular person about me.



What is there that I can do right now? What will change in me? What will change around me? This is the question that I want to ask. To find answers I need knowledge. So the best thing to do right now is to study, learn and experience.

Now, I have a desire. A desire that I haven't had before. A desire to change. I've done nothing but accept what is inevitable. But right now, I believe that everything is inevitable. But what is inevitable also can be changed by changing the perspective. To make use of what will happen, to make use of what has happened. I will use it all to change what is inevitable.

Because I finally have motivation. Something I never thought possible.



For myself.