30 C

Why did I do such a foolish thing, I know.
What made me do it? I have no idea.
I want to forget it but I can't.
I want to take responsibility for it but I have no idea how.
Who will show me the path? The way?
Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
I've got to make my own choices, my own decisions.
When I make mistakes however, there isn't much I can do but apologize.
But sometimes, that is out of the question.
The best approach would be the straightforward approach.
But do I have the guts to take it?
So now I'm talking to myself.
Running through each scenario in my mind looking for the perfect solution.
But I know there is no perfect solution.
I really am lost in the darkness of my mind.
Darkness that can never see the light of day.

29 Diva

Diva

If you want the song feel free to ask me for a copy of the mp3. Please watch blood+. Not such a good storyline but quite an interesting soundtrack. =)

28 Destinations

I look through the gates, hesitant
I look down on the form, undecided
I peered through the depths of my heart, unwilling
I questioned those around me, undedicated

I walked down the path, burdened
I walk through the gates, pressured
I penned my name down, reluctant
I handed the form, regretful

I put it behind me, enjoying the new found benefits.
A burden relieved, but responsibility increased.

Time went by.
I fulfilled my duty,
I fulfilled my honour.
Now I address my pride.

I walk out of the gates, saddened
I look away from the doors, pained
I peered into my heart, undeterred
I live my life, experienced

I entered for my own convenience, left for my own purpose.
I am the vilest of all evil.
But at least I know where I don't belong.
At least I know what I don't want.
Least I know what isn't
I know my limits
Know Myself
Myself

27 Thoughts

One night,
Standing in the moonlight,
Unkown to all others,
A group gathers.
Seven people,
Who have indulged in the forbidden apple.
Those who have committed a crime,
Unforgivable by all mankind.

Pride
Wrath
Lust
Envy
Greed
Gluttony
Sloth

These are their identities,
The harbringer of calamities.
Spreading their evil,
Throughout this world.
With no particular difficulty,
Fulfilling this duty.


Duty? Some might ask.
Yes. I would answer it is their task.
An order from a higher authority,
Which stripped them of their pride and dignity.

They are called by some fallen angels,
While others call them devils.
But in truth there is no difference,
They are naught but creations.

All in this world begins with one.
And what if that one is really all in this world.
What if that one is the only one that controls all in this world.
All life and all death, all blessings and all disasters.
What if that one existence is all that really is.
That we have been directing our hate towards but a scapegoat.
That the one we're thankful for is actually the one which causes us to hate.
This is the world.
This is my life.
Contradictory.

26 Curse

He stares longingly at the girl.
Heart full of desire,
Eyes full of sorrow.

Something which he wants but cannot have.
A feeling which he is familiar with.
A suffering that is inescapable.
For he is one that cannot be loved.

A sinner,
One who has committed blasphemy.
Now pays his price,
A curse by god.

"You look down on my love, you dismiss their feelings just because you have lost yours. I will not stand for this utter challenge of pride. Continue to suffer as you have done, and this suffering will never be relieved as long as I have my pride."

The pride of god, utterly strong. Burning through any sea of despair, Lighting any corner of darkness. Something which the pride of the devil cannot surmount to.

Saying those words that will convey my feelings, will cause naught but hurt. Naught but pain. Naught but sorrow. For the answer will always be the same. This feeling cannot be reciprocated. For it is God's curse.

25 Obsessions

Alone and dark,
In a forest evading moonlight.
Uneven footsteps pound against the earth,
Running, Chasing after the one that left it.

No matter how far,
No matter how fast,
It will follow.
For it desires so.

Always there,
But cannot be found.
Something so obvious,
So obviously hidden.

It cannot make itself known,
For it is the shadows.
It cannot be noticed,
Or it will fade.

To pursuit something,
In its entirety.

To chase after,
Yet to remain clear.

It is my obsession.

Something which I want,
But something I know I cannot have.
For pain and hurt would be all that comes of it.
Pain and hurt that would not heal.

I can bear my pain.
If only I could bear the pain that I cause others

24 Sinner

There is no pain greater,
No wound deeper.

There is no suffering,
Which outwieghs this feeling.

Pain makes you alive,
Pain defines my life.

I suffer alone,
Cause I don't fear.
My sins I can't atone,
My eyes don't shed a tear.

I cannot atone for a sin I cannot commit. I can't commit a sin that I will atone for. That is why I am a sinner.

23 Oppositions

I question life, I question death.
I emerge through strife, and condemned health.

I detest the world, that I see through my eyes.
The events that unfurled, and all those lies.

Pain, Suffering.
For want of gain, The art of destroying.

Plus, Minus.
Contradicting pulse, Conflicting verse.

A life which shouldn't exist, A soul amiss.
One who is shrouded in mist, Is never truly in bliss.

22 Words

Let there be hate,
Let there be despair.

May the world know suffering,
and the burden it bears.

Hate

Body and Soul

21 Lost Emotions

It was that time when I was looking down,

When I was looking at a familar torso,

A familiar hand.

That gentle rythm,

The soft jiggle,

I went into a fit of giggles.

A shining star,

Is meant to be looked from afar.

A deathly figure,

Has no cure.

Up into the sky

A wingless demon would fly

Just to fall back down

There are limits and restrictions.

Forbidden emotions.

It is but a just punishment.

A decision by the higher judgement.

Eyes that have no light,

Soul that has no sound.

Heart that has no might,

A king without a crown.

Emotions can be lost, they can be suppressed.

Feelings can be forgotten, proved to be redundant.

The laments of a devil,

The cries of an angel.

The laughter of God,

The shrieks of a demon.

An arm outstretched towards the sky,

Falling, lost its ability to fly.

Eyes that close in despair,

As the soul cries in despair.

20 Subtitle

In a competition where there are no winners, In a competition where there are no losers.
Would the outcome matter at all?
Who cares about some silly award. What does that award mean.

There are some things better left unsaid and I believe this is one of them.
To look down on the effort others put in, to say that what they have done thus far is useless...
Even if it is true, I will not say it.

Someone who has put in their best effort and fought to their bitter end...

There is no way I would crush their pride

I cannot cry. That's a fact. Even though there are some things happening that are tear inspiring, I cannot cry.
Proud men should not cry. They know how to take everything in stride and keep the bitterness inside.

There was a post about pride. It might be contrary to popular belief but popular belief may be wrong.
To the people out there whom I feel for.

Be strong
Be Firm

Be proud of what you have achieved if you have deserved it.

If you know you deserved better, then you should be proud that you have so many people who believe in you...

19 Silence

Without words or action, you cannot convey your message.
In this post, everything is written in black.
This is somewhat akin to keping your feelings in your heart.
It is there but it cannot be seen.
Unfortunately, it isn't as easy as just pressing ctrl A.
Words in your heart, those silent thoughts you harbour, they cannot be read by anyone.
They will remain where they are till you say them out.
Your deepest darkest secrets. If you don't tell anyone, no one will know.
Your happiness, pain or sadness. If you don't tell a person your feelings, they will not know how to respond.
Assumptions can be wrong.
Interpretations can be incomplete.
That's why there is a need for words. That is why every action needs to be backed with words. That is why graphic novels are more enjoyable by children. They can relate by trying to put themselves in the situation depicted.
You must first say your intent then act it out.
Thus, my silence is indication that I intend to tough it out alone.
That I would do it myself.
That I am capable of doing it in my own way.

But I sometimes can be wrong.
That's when I speak.
That's when my words are revealed.

Silence is not a bad thing. But too much of it means you will not ba able to understand each other. And it is these very misunerstandings that cause conflict.


Gundam 00 season2 We want to make a future where everyone understands each other.

That is just however, mere idealism at this day and age.

18 Storms

The bellows of rage, the cries of sadness, the shrieks of pain.
Let your voices thunder in the halls between heaven and hell. Let your desires be heard in this world.

The blade of pride, the sabre of death, the sword of defense.
Let your blows flash like lightning in the skies above. Let your strikes be seen in the heavens.

The sweat of fear, the droplets of agony, the laments of sadness.
Let your tears rain upon the ground below. Let your feelings drown the hells.

_____________________________________________________

Why is it that every time it rains, it seems that somebody is crying.
Why is it that every time thunder roars that someone is screaming.
Why is it that every time lightning strikes that someone is running.

17 Colour

When some say red, they refer to the the red of hate.
When others say red, they refer to the red of love.
When I say red, I refer to the red of blood.

When some say blue, they refer to the vast blue sky.
When others say blue, they refer to the feeling of sadness.
When I say blue, I refer to the drowning in the sea of emotions.

When some say white, they refer to the white wedding gowns.
When others say white, they refer to the white of purity.
When I say white, I refer to the white of emptiness.

When some say black, they refer to the black of cool.
When others say black, they refer to the black of darkness.
When I say black, I refer to black rage.


Look and look again. Why is it that the answer is never hidden but never found?
Find your own truth in your own words.
Make your truth in another person's words.
This is my truth. The truth which lies to everyone. Thus perceived as truth by everyone.

16 Broken

Feel the swash of the waves against your body.
Endure the heat of the sun burning your skin.
Your eyes are closed,
Your muscles relaxed.

You are blind to your surroundings,
Deaf to all the happenings,
Numb to all the pain,
Oblivious to all sensations.


You are broken,
Unable to function.
Your heart has stopped beating,
Your body has stopped twitching.

There is nothing you can feel,
There is nothing you can do.
You aren't dysfunctional,
You're broken.

15 Unhealing

I just watched Kannazuki no Miko episodes 1-10. Two more episodes to go. A part of it was tear inspiring. It showed a pain that I was able to relate to. A fear which I hold in my heart. Something I wish to be able to prevent happening ever again. The pain that induces suffering.

If love is infinite,
When you break someone's heart,
You're causing him/her endless pain,
And limitless suffering.

_________________________________________________


Well, that is how I said it.
Wounds unable to heal regardless of time.
Pain unable to disappear regardless of medication.
Scars that are invisible yet portrayed distinctly.

Tears flow endlessly,
Tears shed never to return.
Cries that go on forever,
Cries that cannot be heard.

Confusion.
Hesitation.
Fear.

Confused by actions.
Hesitate from asking.
Fear of losing what little there is left.

Braving through the storm,
Walking on and on.
In spite of rain or snow,
The flicker of hope remains to glow.

However, you cannot avoid the inevitable.
Regardless of how many detours you take,
You will still end on the same path.
That little flicker,
That little flame,
Has no chance,
None at all.
It will die.
Glow no more.
Disappear forever,
Leaving nothing but hollow darkness.
Unable to be filled.
A void in the heart.
That is unable to close.

Thus, a pain unhealing. A painful truth unravelling. Hurt emotions unsealing.

14th Findings

First of all, this post was brought over from another site of my own that I doubt any of you would have read.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Picking up items off the floor,
I saw something of great significance.

A piece of paper,
With a vaguely recognizable handwriting.
And I realize,

It's mine...


On it were words,
Of wisdom or of destruction.
It reminded me,
Of what is it I am doing.
Of what is it that I have done.

My views, my perceptions.
My thoughts, my critics.

Looking at it,
It isn't unkind.
It's true.
But not really.
There are exceptions to it.
Minimal though they are,
Isn't it a sin to exclude them?
To ignore them?

Then I move on,
And found a few pieces of plastic.
Acrylic, I thought.
And then realise,
That the words written on it.
Are again written by me.

Here is what it says:

Everyone has their own selfish desire...

What's important is what your desire is for...

Happiness is a fleeting emotion...

Evil does not always bring harm to others...

World domination is not a crime...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are they all true?
Or are they just a form reasoning for these sins?

I guess everyone's perception and views on things are different. Mine isn't necessarily right.


But I am always right. For I am never wrong.

If I don't believe in those words myself, then who will believe in me?

Realizations

"One step at a time? Don't be ridiculous. I refuse to be so laid back. There isn't time for me to look at everything so closely. I only stop for things that I absolutely have to. There are no other exceptions. Through leaps and bounds I shall cover a distance that is impossible through mere steps. I wish to venture past the limits and boundaries set by those who failed all around the world. I wish to surpass everything and set my own limits." Said the boy sitting on the edge of the cliff.

"Then how long are you going to sit there on your end and keep talking about it? The way I see it, you're the one who's hindering your own path." Said the girl, standing a safe distance from the cliff edge while looking at the boy.

"You are indeed right. That is the reason why I hate myself. I hate my own inability to accomplish something I want to. I hate this ineptitude to move forward, even if it is one step at a time. If I don't leap, I won't move. I hate myself for being this way." replied the boy

"So what will you do about it. This part of you that you hate so much?" girl asked.

"If there was something that worked, I would not be sitting here as you said. If I had done nothing, I couldn't hate my inability could I? Because it meant that it might not be my own inability but rather my refusal to do something."

"You tried and failed and thus chose to just hate yourself?"

"Yes."

"Is that why you refused my love? Because you hate yourself?"

"To understand love is to first be able to love yourself. To love yourself is to be able to stop hating yourself."

"Stop giving me your cryptic answers. Just tell me."

"No. I cannot love you not because I hate myself. But rather because I know not how to love. I know not what is love. I do not understand this concept called love. Because I have no love for my own self."

"I remember these words passed down to me -

A heart does not know how to hate unless you teach it to
A heart doesn't know how to love unless it is taught to it

If you don't know how to love, why not let me teach you."

"I'd rather try to not hurt you than try something that isn't definite."

"That is already the first step to love my dear friend..." The girl smiled

Wait

He trembled in anticipation, seated on the sole couch in the small room he was in. The bare lightbulb above him flickered and died. He got up agitatedly and pulled the curtains apart allowing light from the streetlamps light up his room. He made as if to sit down again but instead he started pacing. Glancing at the clock, he kicked his stack of books in frustration. Time seemed to be passing extremely slowly to his eyes. He was restless. The minute hand seemed to him to be moving at the pace of the hour hand. A dull throbbing pain in his foot made him regret kicking his books. Staring at the mess on the floor, he pondered whether to pick them up or just let them be. It would be hours still till he would get what he was waiting for. A small slip of paper. A piece of paper that would determine his future. The clock indicated that it had just turned four in the morning. He had not slept yet waiting for that one slip of paper.

He walked up to the table. It was finally time. His eyes were bloodshot and his muscles were aching but he ignored them. This piece of information mattered to him more than life. Or rather, it was his life. He took hold of the slip that was passed to him and started to read the words on it. Before he could read a single word however, he collapsed onto the hard wooden floor. Exhaustion had got the better of him. People started moving towards him but he held up the slip with a shaking hand and read through it quickly. He let his hand fall no longer able to escape the necessity of sleep. The wait had been long...