I have experienced pain. Emotional, physical and spiritual. Sometimes I wonder, if I have been abandoned somewhere along the lines of fate. Other times I wonder if it was I who had abandoned all to fate. God is omnipotent and omniscient. And it is said that ones life has all been recorded by God, how it came about, and how it would be played out. So I thought, what if my current situation had also been thought of, and is nothing more than the mere fancy of God who had written my life to be so.
If I were like everybody else, I would be afraid, angry perhaps. And I might even fall into despair.
But I abolished that thought of falling into despair. Because that which knows my fate is not me but God and those that He has chosen to tell. I myself know not of what I would do or of what I would become. So I am not bound by that chain of fate that would tie me down to be what God wants me to be. Even if everything is but part of His great scenario, I would struggle and struggle. I should not be whimpering in the corner but I should be up fighting. Not against fate, not against the will of God. But I should be fighting as a living creature, fighting for what it is I choose to want to become. If I don't do anything, nothing will change. I thought I was enough and that it was enough but I was wrong. Nothing is ever enough. That is why people change and learn new things everyday. That is why creatures evolve. Because they are never enough as they were.
Here I am, fallen from that throne I had built for myself.
Here I am, having been betrayed by my own expectations.
Here I am, at the lowest rung of the ladder of failure.
Here I am, where I had wanted to be a long time ago.
But it is not where I am that matters anymore.
It is where I want to go.
I want to go up, beyond my throne.
I want to go up, without any limitations.
I want to go up, free from expectations.
I want to go up, beyond any measure.
I want to go up, to where I need to be.
I want to go up, to uphold my only responsibility.
And that which will take me there is my pride.
My pride as a living creature on this Earth.
And I would no longer be dependant on anything I cannot control.
Assumptions that has no backing will be dismissed.
Immaterial things that have no meaning will be left alone.
I was there once, on the path to success. But I was alone then. I was afraid, I felt insecure and wanted the support of others. But gaining others made me fall. I failed again and again. My judgment erred again and again. No more I said. Even if I were to be alone, I would succeed. Even if I have to succeed alone, I will make sure I do. Because in the end, I am alone. WIth my past experience, with my new found determination. With my strengthened will and pride, I shall go forth. Back into the venture I had wandered away from.
