15 Unhealing

I just watched Kannazuki no Miko episodes 1-10. Two more episodes to go. A part of it was tear inspiring. It showed a pain that I was able to relate to. A fear which I hold in my heart. Something I wish to be able to prevent happening ever again. The pain that induces suffering.

If love is infinite,
When you break someone's heart,
You're causing him/her endless pain,
And limitless suffering.

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Well, that is how I said it.
Wounds unable to heal regardless of time.
Pain unable to disappear regardless of medication.
Scars that are invisible yet portrayed distinctly.

Tears flow endlessly,
Tears shed never to return.
Cries that go on forever,
Cries that cannot be heard.

Confusion.
Hesitation.
Fear.

Confused by actions.
Hesitate from asking.
Fear of losing what little there is left.

Braving through the storm,
Walking on and on.
In spite of rain or snow,
The flicker of hope remains to glow.

However, you cannot avoid the inevitable.
Regardless of how many detours you take,
You will still end on the same path.
That little flicker,
That little flame,
Has no chance,
None at all.
It will die.
Glow no more.
Disappear forever,
Leaving nothing but hollow darkness.
Unable to be filled.
A void in the heart.
That is unable to close.

Thus, a pain unhealing. A painful truth unravelling. Hurt emotions unsealing.

14th Findings

First of all, this post was brought over from another site of my own that I doubt any of you would have read.

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Picking up items off the floor,
I saw something of great significance.

A piece of paper,
With a vaguely recognizable handwriting.
And I realize,

It's mine...


On it were words,
Of wisdom or of destruction.
It reminded me,
Of what is it I am doing.
Of what is it that I have done.

My views, my perceptions.
My thoughts, my critics.

Looking at it,
It isn't unkind.
It's true.
But not really.
There are exceptions to it.
Minimal though they are,
Isn't it a sin to exclude them?
To ignore them?

Then I move on,
And found a few pieces of plastic.
Acrylic, I thought.
And then realise,
That the words written on it.
Are again written by me.

Here is what it says:

Everyone has their own selfish desire...

What's important is what your desire is for...

Happiness is a fleeting emotion...

Evil does not always bring harm to others...

World domination is not a crime...

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Are they all true?
Or are they just a form reasoning for these sins?

I guess everyone's perception and views on things are different. Mine isn't necessarily right.


But I am always right. For I am never wrong.

If I don't believe in those words myself, then who will believe in me?

Realizations

"One step at a time? Don't be ridiculous. I refuse to be so laid back. There isn't time for me to look at everything so closely. I only stop for things that I absolutely have to. There are no other exceptions. Through leaps and bounds I shall cover a distance that is impossible through mere steps. I wish to venture past the limits and boundaries set by those who failed all around the world. I wish to surpass everything and set my own limits." Said the boy sitting on the edge of the cliff.

"Then how long are you going to sit there on your end and keep talking about it? The way I see it, you're the one who's hindering your own path." Said the girl, standing a safe distance from the cliff edge while looking at the boy.

"You are indeed right. That is the reason why I hate myself. I hate my own inability to accomplish something I want to. I hate this ineptitude to move forward, even if it is one step at a time. If I don't leap, I won't move. I hate myself for being this way." replied the boy

"So what will you do about it. This part of you that you hate so much?" girl asked.

"If there was something that worked, I would not be sitting here as you said. If I had done nothing, I couldn't hate my inability could I? Because it meant that it might not be my own inability but rather my refusal to do something."

"You tried and failed and thus chose to just hate yourself?"

"Yes."

"Is that why you refused my love? Because you hate yourself?"

"To understand love is to first be able to love yourself. To love yourself is to be able to stop hating yourself."

"Stop giving me your cryptic answers. Just tell me."

"No. I cannot love you not because I hate myself. But rather because I know not how to love. I know not what is love. I do not understand this concept called love. Because I have no love for my own self."

"I remember these words passed down to me -

A heart does not know how to hate unless you teach it to
A heart doesn't know how to love unless it is taught to it

If you don't know how to love, why not let me teach you."

"I'd rather try to not hurt you than try something that isn't definite."

"That is already the first step to love my dear friend..." The girl smiled

Wait

He trembled in anticipation, seated on the sole couch in the small room he was in. The bare lightbulb above him flickered and died. He got up agitatedly and pulled the curtains apart allowing light from the streetlamps light up his room. He made as if to sit down again but instead he started pacing. Glancing at the clock, he kicked his stack of books in frustration. Time seemed to be passing extremely slowly to his eyes. He was restless. The minute hand seemed to him to be moving at the pace of the hour hand. A dull throbbing pain in his foot made him regret kicking his books. Staring at the mess on the floor, he pondered whether to pick them up or just let them be. It would be hours still till he would get what he was waiting for. A small slip of paper. A piece of paper that would determine his future. The clock indicated that it had just turned four in the morning. He had not slept yet waiting for that one slip of paper.

He walked up to the table. It was finally time. His eyes were bloodshot and his muscles were aching but he ignored them. This piece of information mattered to him more than life. Or rather, it was his life. He took hold of the slip that was passed to him and started to read the words on it. Before he could read a single word however, he collapsed onto the hard wooden floor. Exhaustion had got the better of him. People started moving towards him but he held up the slip with a shaking hand and read through it quickly. He let his hand fall no longer able to escape the necessity of sleep. The wait had been long...