RideRRaideR

The tale of who had lost two years...

2011-09-14T00:28:00.003+08:00

I have experienced pain. Emotional, physical and spiritual. Sometimes I wonder, if I have been abandoned somewhere along the lines of fate. Other times I wonder if it was I who had abandoned all to fate. God is omnipotent and omniscient. And it is said that ones life has all been recorded by God, how it came about, and how it would be played out. So I thought, what if my current situation had also been thought of, and is nothing more than the mere fancy of God who had written my life to be so.
If I were like everybody else, I would be afraid, angry perhaps. And I might even fall into despair.
But I abolished that thought of falling into despair. Because that which knows my fate is not me but God and those that He has chosen to tell. I myself know not of what I would do or of what I would become. So I am not bound by that chain of fate that would tie me down to be what God wants me to be. Even if everything is but part of His great scenario, I would struggle and struggle. I should not be whimpering in the corner but I should be up fighting. Not against fate, not against the will of God. But I should be fighting as a living creature, fighting for what it is I choose to want to become. If I don't do anything, nothing will change. I thought I was enough and that it was enough but I was wrong. Nothing is ever enough. That is why people change and learn new things everyday. That is why creatures evolve. Because they are never enough as they were.

Here I am, fallen from that throne I had built for myself.
Here I am, having been betrayed by my own expectations.
Here I am, at the lowest rung of the ladder of failure.
Here I am, where I had wanted to be a long time ago.
But it is not where I am that matters anymore.
It is where I want to go.
I want to go up, beyond my throne.
I want to go up, without any limitations.
I want to go up, free from expectations.
I want to go up, beyond any measure.
I want to go up, to where I need to be.
I want to go up, to uphold my only responsibility.

And that which will take me there is my pride.
My pride as a living creature on this Earth.
And I would no longer be dependant on anything I cannot control.
Assumptions that has no backing will be dismissed.
Immaterial things that have no meaning will be left alone.

I was there once, on the path to success. But I was alone then. I was afraid, I felt insecure and wanted the support of others. But gaining others made me fall. I failed again and again. My judgment erred again and again. No more I said. Even if I were to be alone, I would succeed. Even if I have to succeed alone, I will make sure I do. Because in the end, I am alone. WIth my past experience, with my new found determination. With my strengthened will and pride, I shall go forth. Back into the venture I had wandered away from.

45 Remembrance

2011-04-08T20:47:00.007+08:00

The clouds have already gathered, yet they will never be remembered.

For as the rain drops fall, people only think about the squall.

Lightning flashes illuminating the land, for an instant showing a sinning hand.

Thunder booms across the sky, drowning out yet another desperate cry.

As the sun shines through the clouds, it marks the return of the crowds.

As the water drains into the sea, there was no longer a plea.

Though the sun may be bright,

Though the roads may have dried.

There will be those that remember the plight,

There are traces of blood that have dried.

Scars can be hidden, pain cannot be seen.

Memories can be forgotten, thrown away memories of sin.

Forgetting is not forgiving.

Forgiving is not forgetting.

This matter between humans will be interfered,

As exist records and those that remembered.

There will always be a remembrance,

of all deeds and sins.

And none can escape,

for none has the strength.

44 Reminder

2011-02-21T17:30:00.003+08:00

Pitiful, foolish, prideless.
They never fail to forget.
There is no one who remembers to remind them.
For they tread the path of ignorance, not intelligence.

43 Troubled

2010-12-27T19:31:00.003+08:00

Lost in the twilight,

Hidden from the moonlight.

There is something I seek,

But the prospects look bleak.

A place where I would not seek,

A name that I would not speak

Just like the oceans rumble,

My hands can't help but to tremble.

The sun, its rays light up the sky.

Birds, with their wings up high they fly.

My path is not unhindered,

I am not calm nor collected

Time marked its own beginning,

Time marks its own ending.

I made and crafted an end

Whose begin never began.

I may have searched for it.

i may have yearned for it.

I may or may not have deserved it,

Common sense deprived me of all of it.

42 Possibilities

2010-11-18T14:12:00.004+08:00

Thoughtless, inconsiderate, irate, irritating, naive, and plenty other words that can describe that person. Yet to say nothing is the correct answer. To not do anything is the correct answer. To not show anything is the correct answer...

Being in service is tough. Never let anyone else tell you otherwise.

There are many people out there who see,

There are fewer out there who know.

With rising tempers their rational minds flee.

Without doubt they think they know.

Anger is a natural feeling.

It sometimes lead to grieving.

Yet there are those who don't hold it in.

At those times they can only sin,

So a message I must convey.

Its something you've heard in the past someday.

Patience is a virtue.

More so if you're service crew.

Watch out for your feelings, watch out for your emotions.

Don't throw them unto others just because you don't know them.

Don't let it run wild just because you know you're free from fault.

I have a kind heart but a black soul.

I may be nice but I'm forever cold.

You can never know my thoughts or my feelings.

You can't read my minds, can't hear the cursings.

As long as you're alive you have the possibility.

To change your heart and rid yourself of that disability.

The possibility that comes with being alive.

Can be used with the proper determination and drive.

But it seems that most are not aware of it. And some others incapable of seeing it. Then perhaps, that possibility should just be taken away from them. Those who deny those possibilities. Those that refute them.

41 Knowledgable

2010-09-30T14:26:00.004+08:00

Some talk as if they understand,

Some talk as if they know.

But those that can really comprehend,

Their knowledge they never show.

2010-09-03T12:56:00.002+08:00

Looks like once again I was right

I would never take part in the fight

Looks like I won the gamble,

So there isn't anything to grumble.

Yet why do I feel such emotions

Why am I such a flawed creation

Even though I know my strengths,

I refuse to acknowledge them.

Even though I know my weaknesses,

I persist using them.

I hate to lose,

But I don't really care for winning.

In the end I'm just indecisive.

I'm accustomed to that feeling.

I thought I found a reason,

I thought I had a motivation.

In the end I couldn't hold on to it.

I just backed into my retreat.

I need a new purpose, a new objective.

A new close, a reason to live.

Like a bird in the sky flying free,

I need a need to be happy.

There isn't anything else left for me.

Except for that mundane routine.

Doing nothing for the world I see.

Watching others commit nothing but sin.

I guess I'm tired,

Or just grown old.

See how easily I am satisfied,

Yet I want to try to be bold.

Perhaps it is the curse of my name.

To be satisfied, content.

To me everything has become the same.

Nothing much to lament.

Sadness

2010-08-15T23:21:00.002+08:00

Temporal.
Why is everything so?
Why is everything temporary?
Why is there not something which can be permanent?
I did say those words.
Uttered that prayer.
Granted in a way I couldn't imagine.
A mere temporary cure.
Why is it that so?
Do you smite them so much?
I cannot do anything, I admitted that.
My words are no longer enough.
My words were never good enough.
But this temporary relief,
May be much more painful later on.
Like taking painkillers.
It erases the pain momentarily,
And when it comes back,
It is devastating.
I am sad.
Yet I am thankful.
Yet still sorrow envelopes me.
The truth still evades me.
For I am not that which is all knowing.
I am not that which is almighty.
I know only what was taught to me.
I am sad. For what I know is not enough.
Truly though, I am grateful.
But this bitterness isn't going to disappear...

40 All in One

2010-08-06T22:24:00.004+08:00

Where there will be pain,
Where it always rains.
Where there is no warmth,
Where it sings sad songs.

A sorrowful melody,
A slow lullaby.
The search for a remedy,
That one cannot find.

Can which that is not an illness,
be cured with medicine?
Can which that is not suffering,
be saved through happiness?

A heart,
A dream,
Can the same cure be used,
On every illness?

39 Meaning

2010-06-02T01:54:00.001+08:00

When the clock strikes,
It marks time.
How many nights,
Have I heard its chime?

That sorrowful bell,
The slight swell,
A dampened ring,
A single note to sing.

Its hypnotic tune,
A longing croon.
Its cry of lament,
The moans of repent.

Every hour of the night,
Every hour of the day.
Without hesitation,
Without dedication.

It's life marked by itself.
Every ring is a tale it sings.
And it sings till its end.
Yet, who knows whether its silence is eternal or momentary other than itself?

The meaning of itself is decided by itself.
Perhaps that would be true for people as well.

Yet

2010-05-26T23:02:00.002+08:00

What is this thing that we pursue?
What is it that I pursue?
Is it happiness?
Is it money?
Power?
Fame?

I think not. Happiness can be attained even when having nothing. It is when we have something that we cannot fully gain the meaning of happiness because then we want more. Definitely we want more. Maybe tomorrow or next week? Maybe even next month or next year? Or are you craving for something already?

I am seeking for which that cannot be found. Bits and pieces reveal themselves to me and yet are out of reach. Yet there are still more out there which is still hidden. Yet I cannot do anything. Yet again,again yet. Yet.

Yet there are still no answers. Yet.

Prelude

2010-05-17T23:28:00.002+08:00

Waiting for a person to appear,
Just waiting, waiting forever.

And when the person finally appears,
A hand is extended in greeting.
Despite all of my fears,
Nothing happened in our meeting.

Yet I feel sad,
For I didn't expect it to be that bad.
Not a smile not a thing.
It was as if I wasn't living.

That added to what I already had,
is a life of misery and pain.

I've never expected much,
but I didn't expect to get nothing.
Even if my entire life was a sin.

38 Meaningless Meaning

2010-05-09T19:42:00.003+08:00

Walking down a deserted street with no turns left nor right
Looking up into a sky which was neither dark nor bright
I walk through an arch, an open door
In an empty space, an empty floor

Leading to no other rooms
The white walls were bare
The ceiling not even there

I used to wonder
And then I'd ponder
Where was I?
What was I?

The answers were simple yet not quite so.
This post is truly a great example.

Start with a song,
Then a haiku.
Then a rhyming riddle
With equal syllables

At first you don't see it,
When mentioned you count it.
I rhyme every phrase,
Counting each syllable.

The end result is a wonderful poem,
But its meaning still hidden from your sight.

There are no meaningless struggles,
Not a single word put to waste.
The question is the purpose,
The answer is the method.
The reason is the truth,
The excuse is the front.

Find it to know it.
Know it to find it.
If you would care,
It would be there.

37 Choice

2010-04-21T21:50:00.002+08:00

A butterfly flying free,
A bee working earnestly.
Both share the same sky,
Yet for different reasons they fly.

One flies for itself,
Another for another.

As these two wander,
In my mind I ponder.
Who would I want to be?
Do I want to work or be flying free?

As I trace back to the roots,
I found the answer to this.
The problem is simple.
Yet the reasons are even more so.

To be with another person,
Is quite a heavy burden.
But flying alone,
Is quite a sorrow.

Then I ponder,
and continued to wonder,
Which of the two feels more joy?
Which of the two is more pitiful?

The prospect of flying free is appealing.
So is the thought of having another.
Yet I can't really decide.
My heart swaying to either side.

2010-04-05T22:10:00.002+08:00

Left, right, left, right.
Steps neither heavy nor light.
Its sounds fading into the distance,
Echoing its elegance.

Every single step has a meaning.
A reason for moving.
Every single pause.
Has its own cause.

Now I ask that you ponder,
Imagine and wonder.
What is it that I would ask?
Isn't this a simple task?

2010-03-27T00:18:00.002+08:00

Alone I wait,
Alone I stare.
Never putting on a single bait,
Just hoping for it to fall into my snare.

My eyes always searching,
My mind always thinking.
Where is my prey?
When will I be able to enter the fray?

It never dawned on me,
Because I already knew in me.
That as long as I wait baitless,
Regardless of my strength I am useless.

My arms never reaching,
Despite my heart's yearning.
My legs never moving,
Despite my soul's screaming.

Why is it do I keep waiting?
Why am I unmoving?
Why is it that all I do is yearn?
Why is it that I never learn?

All it takes is one step,
Spread my wings and give it a flap.
I could be moving at speeds,
where I can get all my needs.

Could be.
Is it not good enough?
why is it do I fear failure?
More so than I want to succeed?

If I don't try and fail,
Its because I didn't try.
But if I tried and failed,
It's because I wasn't good enough.

Am I scared of being weak?
Am I afraid of being less?
I want to attain what I seek,
Yet I fail to confess...

Life

2010-03-12T18:47:00.003+08:00

There are many people whose lives are less than satisfactory, where even home is less of a sanctuary. There is someone I know whom is like that. Even if you ask me, why is life so screwed up?! I cannot answer fully. I can only give theories and guesses. My life, some would say isn't too bad. But I would like to differ. The state of someone's life isn't how others perceive it but how the person in question perceives it. I think my life is terrible. My life is full of inconsistencies, contradictions. It is riddled with lies and confusion. My life is nothing but empty. Even when I say this, I can't help but think. That the reason why my life is screwed is because I made it that way. There is someone I know, whose life is not very pleasant, not because of her own choices, but because it was god given. Is fate really that cruel? I'm afraid I can answer that. Yes. Fate is cruel. But because it is fate, it is but fate. We can't do anything about it. I made a mistake. A very cruel and sad mistake. I want to atone for it but I can't. Not with my current self I can't. I can't atone for the sin I had committed. So I will not ask for forgiveness. For that is beyond me. I don't want your pity. I don't need it.

One is tortured by others, another tortured by himself.
Are they really that different?
Or are they really similar to one another?

The circumstances are different.
Yet the feelings are the same.
Each wants to help the other.
But any efforts would be and have been in vain.

This is the life of two people. Me and a soulful another.

36 Heart

2010-03-08T15:09:00.003+08:00

A dark substance,
Convulsing, undulating,
Constantly seeking space,
An unsightly fight.

A bright substance,
Expanding, compressing,
Constantly changing,
A beautiful pulse.

Reaching out, stretching.
Crying out, screaming.
Downpour, raining.
All that is left, nothing.

35 Part 3

2010-02-22T20:06:00.004+08:00

We came to a stop at last in front of a three storey mansion. Well, at the very least, its wrought iron gates. There were twin doves carved into the design of the gate which each dove facing upward as if in anticipation of flight. My guide gestured me to go in. I stepped forward and the gate swung automatically open in greeting. I took a few more steps forward before looking back. My guide was gone. I guess that was where we were meant to part. I turned back and continued forward to the door counting the steps. On the 75th step, I stood face to face with the door. Unsure of what to do, I knocked.

"Enter," a voice sounded.

I looked for a door knob and found that there was none. I pushed the door lightly and it refused to move. Puzzled, I put more force onto the hand that was placed on the door. When it still did not move, I looked at the door one more time in detail. A clean white slate. That's what it looks like. There seems to be words inscribed on the door. I tried to make them out but they were in a language that I didn't understand. I traced the writing with my finger and felt the door slip. So it was a sliding door? I felt confused but entered nonetheless. Stepping into the room, I came to face another man. Upon seeing my face, he smiled.

"Welcome to my humble abode. My name is Fai Hiler. What may I do for you?"

"Um, I just followed a person who told me to come here. I am Rick Nathan."

"I am well aware. Please, have a seat." Fai said gesturing to the empty seat in front of him.

I walked uncertainly forward and sat on the chair. Fai continued to smile at me, waiting for something.

"I could read your mind and answer all your questions for you. However, it would be rude for me to do so. Voice your questions, and I will answer them. Do not fear me, for you have yet to wrong me of intention."

With that, our conversation started. A conversation full of unimaginable ideas, unbelievable facts and undeniable truth.

34 Part 2

2010-02-13T11:12:00.006+08:00

My footsteps echoed through the empty street as the sole of my shoe hit against the cobbled stone. My guide was silent as the night that he sees through his eyes.
Walking in silence, there was no pretence. If I was less than a man, he'd be more than an ordinary man. He walked at a pace that was surely hard for his long legs, yet he didn't move any faster as I would have trouble keeping up. Such a person he was. A stony exterior yet kind and gentle. No, that doesn't seem to be it. It feels more like... manners? A gentlemanly nature. Surely if he was walking a dog he would walk a dog's pace. He is a man of respect. He respects all that he is around. It's as if being alive is his pride. No, that doesn't seem to be it either... This man is unreadable, with so many contradicting habits... What exactly is wrong with my analysis? It doesn't fit... Nothing fits... Even the town and everything else doesn't fit... I guess there is no logic in this illogical world...

"That's right, this world surpasses the logic of humans."

I stopped in my tracks, reflecting on his words. The words that flowed in a whisper with the wind. He read my mind? How? But I already had the answer... This is a world that surpasses logic.

He stood at a distance, waiting for me. I regained a little of my composure and resumed our walk...

33 Part 1

2010-02-08T13:16:00.002+08:00

In a world where no one lives, in a place where no one stays. I stumble upon a time which was lost, captured from the time of unknown days. I walked through the gates, a gap in the space. I ended up in a place where everyone walks with grace. Why is it that this world with lands so vast, managed to elude nature and men of the present and past? I was befuddled by the appearance of such a land, that its beauty evaded my eyes though it was right in front of my hand. There was not a flaw, a single blemish. Not a single fault that could be righted not. A place of perfection, where nothing can be a distraction. Until someone steps in and disturbs the balance.

The streets had cleared, the people gone. No sounds of life, nothing moving in sight. That was when he appeared. A man like no other. In fact it wasn't a man but a creature bearing semblance to the figure of a man. I stared at the being moving without a sound. His steps even on the ground. He came at me with no apparent effort. This caused me quite some discomfort. My mind went blank, empty of thoughts. As in front of me he came to a stop. Now that he was this close I noticed something I couldn't see before. This being in front of me couldn't see. Yet, he was observing me as if he had eyes. Those eyelids of his were sealed tight by a scar. A wound irreparable that robbed him of his light. He motioned me to follow him and he turned around. Then we started a walk through what seemed like a ghost town.

32 Flames

2010-01-22T19:13:00.002+08:00

When a fire is lit, what do you do?
When a fire rages, where do you run?
When a fire storms, where can you hide?
When the fire is out of control, what can you do?

And while the fire ravages all in its reach, there is nothing you can do. Nothing at all.
You shall be there feeling regret.
Why did I not put it out when it was small?
Why did I not control it when it was getting larger?
Why did I not get help as it grew?
Why did I not do anything?

Fire rages,
Even without fuel.
Reason diminishes,
The world becomes cruel.
Soon nothing would matter.
As all become captivated,
By the might of the destroyer.
Impulse of the man apprehended.

Cries of anguish, screams of pain.
Those who hinder, try in vain.

That which is in all, triggered by what which is one.
Thus man shall fall, eaten up by the hunt.

A flame can be handled, while it is still early. Cradled, while it is still young.
Do what you can while you can. Because you're nothing but man.

31 Differences

2010-01-11T11:27:00.002+08:00

First post of the new year. It seems that a lot has happened over the past few months. Perhaps I am just seeking for what I don't have or cannot find.

This year, I have enrolled for religious studies. Its a five year program as its only on Sundays. This is what I have done to seek for the answers I need in life.

Last year, I played for TJCSB Fiesta.
I hung around them for awhile even visiting their open house last Saturday. I noticed a lot of differences between them and MJCSB. Why is it that TJ is much better than MJ? The people I met at TJ actually seems to have direction. A sense of purpose and fun. And a desire to achieve together. They have according to their own requirements achieved a balance between their studies and CCAs. MJ on the other hand, they just seem to be concerned about their studies because of the pressure and standards set by the school. Band there just seems like an ECA. I will say this. MJCSB will not improve from being the sub-standard band they are. If they take 3 months to get two pieces to a GOLD SYF award level, then how long would it take to get an entire repertoire to the standard of a gold band?

I will admit this too. Apparently I seem to be more attached to TJ band than MJ band. Ahahahahaha!

Despicable aren't I? I've been with MJ for an entire year, I only spent a month with TJ. Yet the short experience I had with TJ was much better than the one I had with MJ.

Oh, why don't I just change this post title to confessions?

Because I will confess that I have no attachment whatsoever to Meridian JC. So why did I go back to the band bbq and section outing? Cause I was bored. I wanted something to do. People to hang out with once in a while. Cause honestly I have been spending my time at home on the computer for a hell lot of time. Since when have I played dota so much at home? I played so much that I was actually getting back in touch with dota.

I also confess that I am able to have feelings towards someone again. The pain has returned. So that means that my emotions have returned too. I lost them somewhere in the mid year and they came back during the period I was playing for fiesta. Its won't be easy dealing with this pain in my body but it just shows how little I cared about my life in MJ.

I confess that I want to forget all about MJC. But I can't do it. I don't know if I will be able to do it but right now I can't. I left my memories with someone who is currently schooling in MJ. So I can't forget about it yet. Right now, she knows more about my past than I have ever told anyone. From my experiences in pri3, to what I have done in secondary school. Well, I didn't go in depth to what I did in VS but it doesn't matter. Anyway, about this refer to the previous post - 30 C ... That was the post I typed after I told this particular person about me.

What is there that I can do right now? What will change in me? What will change around me? This is the question that I want to ask. To find answers I need knowledge. So the best thing to do right now is to study, learn and experience.

Now, I have a desire. A desire that I haven't had before. A desire to change. I've done nothing but accept what is inevitable. But right now, I believe that everything is inevitable. But what is inevitable also can be changed by changing the perspective. To make use of what will happen, to make use of what has happened. I will use it all to change what is inevitable.

Because I finally have motivation. Something I never thought possible.

For myself.

30 C

2009-11-16T00:00:00.003+08:00

Why did I do such a foolish thing, I know.
What made me do it? I have no idea.
I want to forget it but I can't.
I want to take responsibility for it but I have no idea how.
Who will show me the path? The way?
Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
I've got to make my own choices, my own decisions.
When I make mistakes however, there isn't much I can do but apologize.
But sometimes, that is out of the question.
The best approach would be the straightforward approach.
But do I have the guts to take it?
So now I'm talking to myself.
Running through each scenario in my mind looking for the perfect solution.
But I know there is no perfect solution.
I really am lost in the darkness of my mind.
Darkness that can never see the light of day.

29 Diva

2009-11-02T23:57:00.002+08:00

Diva

If you want the song feel free to ask me for a copy of the mp3. Please watch blood+. Not such a good storyline but quite an interesting soundtrack. =)

28 Destinations

2009-10-22T21:00:00.002+08:00

I look through the gates, hesitant
I look down on the form, undecided
I peered through the depths of my heart, unwilling
I questioned those around me, undedicated

I walked down the path, burdened
I walk through the gates, pressured
I penned my name down, reluctant
I handed the form, regretful

I put it behind me, enjoying the new found benefits.
A burden relieved, but responsibility increased.

Time went by.
I fulfilled my duty,
I fulfilled my honour.
Now I address my pride.

I walk out of the gates, saddened
I look away from the doors, pained
I peered into my heart, undeterred
I live my life, experienced

I entered for my own convenience, left for my own purpose.
I am the vilest of all evil.
But at least I know where I don't belong.
At least I know what I don't want.
Least I know what isn't
I know my limits
Know Myself
Myself

27 Thoughts

2009-10-17T22:49:00.002+08:00

One night,
Standing in the moonlight,
Unkown to all others,
A group gathers.
Seven people,
Who have indulged in the forbidden apple.
Those who have committed a crime,
Unforgivable by all mankind.

Pride
Wrath
Lust
Envy
Greed
Gluttony
Sloth

These are their identities,
The harbringer of calamities.
Spreading their evil,
Throughout this world.
With no particular difficulty,
Fulfilling this duty.

Duty? Some might ask.
Yes. I would answer it is their task.
An order from a higher authority,
Which stripped them of their pride and dignity.

They are called by some fallen angels,
While others call them devils.
But in truth there is no difference,
They are naught but creations.

All in this world begins with one.
And what if that one is really all in this world.
What if that one is the only one that controls all in this world.
All life and all death, all blessings and all disasters.
What if that one existence is all that really is.
That we have been directing our hate towards but a scapegoat.
That the one we're thankful for is actually the one which causes us to hate.
This is the world.
This is my life.
Contradictory.

26 Curse

2009-08-11T21:37:00.002+08:00

He stares longingly at the girl.
Heart full of desire,
Eyes full of sorrow.

Something which he wants but cannot have.
A feeling which he is familiar with.
A suffering that is inescapable.
For he is one that cannot be loved.

A sinner,
One who has committed blasphemy.
Now pays his price,
A curse by god.

"You look down on my love, you dismiss their feelings just because you have lost yours. I will not stand for this utter challenge of pride. Continue to suffer as you have done, and this suffering will never be relieved as long as I have my pride."

The pride of god, utterly strong. Burning through any sea of despair, Lighting any corner of darkness. Something which the pride of the devil cannot surmount to.

Saying those words that will convey my feelings, will cause naught but hurt. Naught but pain. Naught but sorrow. For the answer will always be the same. This feeling cannot be reciprocated. For it is God's curse.

25 Obsessions

2009-07-25T23:10:00.002+08:00

Alone and dark,
In a forest evading moonlight.
Uneven footsteps pound against the earth,
Running, Chasing after the one that left it.

No matter how far,
No matter how fast,
It will follow.
For it desires so.

Always there,
But cannot be found.
Something so obvious,
So obviously hidden.

It cannot make itself known,
For it is the shadows.
It cannot be noticed,
Or it will fade.

To pursuit something,
In its entirety.

To chase after,
Yet to remain clear.

It is my obsession.

Something which I want,
But something I know I cannot have.
For pain and hurt would be all that comes of it.
Pain and hurt that would not heal.

I can bear my pain.
If only I could bear the pain that I cause others

24 Sinner

2009-07-12T00:35:00.003+08:00

There is no pain greater,
No wound deeper.

There is no suffering,
Which outwieghs this feeling.

Pain makes you alive,
Pain defines my life.

I suffer alone,
Cause I don't fear.
My sins I can't atone,
My eyes don't shed a tear.

I cannot atone for a sin I cannot commit. I can't commit a sin that I will atone for. That is why I am a sinner.

23 Oppositions

2009-06-25T21:20:00.000+08:00

I question life, I question death.
I emerge through strife, and condemned health.

I detest the world, that I see through my eyes.
The events that unfurled, and all those lies.

Pain, Suffering.
For want of gain, The art of destroying.

Plus, Minus.
Contradicting pulse, Conflicting verse.

A life which shouldn't exist, A soul amiss.
One who is shrouded in mist, Is never truly in bliss.

22 Words

2009-06-12T11:42:00.002+08:00

Let there be hate,
Let there be despair.

May the world know suffering,
and the burden it bears.

Hate

Body and Soul

21 Lost Emotions

2009-05-24T23:31:00.006+08:00

It was that time when I was looking down,

When I was looking at a familar torso,

A familiar hand.

That gentle rythm,

The soft jiggle,

I went into a fit of giggles.

A shining star,

Is meant to be looked from afar.

A deathly figure,

Has no cure.

Up into the sky

A wingless demon would fly

Just to fall back down

There are limits and restrictions.

Forbidden emotions.

It is but a just punishment.

A decision by the higher judgement.

Eyes that have no light,

Soul that has no sound.

Heart that has no might,

A king without a crown.

Emotions can be lost, they can be suppressed.

Feelings can be forgotten, proved to be redundant.

The laments of a devil,

The cries of an angel.

The laughter of God,

The shrieks of a demon.

An arm outstretched towards the sky,

Falling, lost its ability to fly.

Eyes that close in despair,

As the soul cries in despair.

20 Subtitle

2009-05-03T22:22:00.003+08:00

In a competition where there are no winners, In a competition where there are no losers.
Would the outcome matter at all?
Who cares about some silly award. What does that award mean.

There are some things better left unsaid and I believe this is one of them.
To look down on the effort others put in, to say that what they have done thus far is useless...
Even if it is true, I will not say it.

Someone who has put in their best effort and fought to their bitter end...

There is no way I would crush their pride

I cannot cry. That's a fact. Even though there are some things happening that are tear inspiring, I cannot cry.
Proud men should not cry. They know how to take everything in stride and keep the bitterness inside.

There was a post about pride. It might be contrary to popular belief but popular belief may be wrong.
To the people out there whom I feel for.

Be strong
Be Firm

Be proud of what you have achieved if you have deserved it.

If you know you deserved better, then you should be proud that you have so many people who believe in you...

19 Silence

2009-03-22T20:31:00.004+08:00

Without words or action, you cannot convey your message.
In this post, everything is written in black.
This is somewhat akin to keping your feelings in your heart.
It is there but it cannot be seen.
Unfortunately, it isn't as easy as just pressing ctrl A.
Words in your heart, those silent thoughts you harbour, they cannot be read by anyone.
They will remain where they are till you say them out.
Your deepest darkest secrets. If you don't tell anyone, no one will know.
Your happiness, pain or sadness. If you don't tell a person your feelings, they will not know how to respond.
Assumptions can be wrong.
Interpretations can be incomplete.
That's why there is a need for words. That is why every action needs to be backed with words. That is why graphic novels are more enjoyable by children. They can relate by trying to put themselves in the situation depicted.
You must first say your intent then act it out.
Thus, my silence is indication that I intend to tough it out alone.
That I would do it myself.
That I am capable of doing it in my own way.

But I sometimes can be wrong.
That's when I speak.
That's when my words are revealed.

Silence is not a bad thing. But too much of it means you will not ba able to understand each other. And it is these very misunerstandings that cause conflict.

Gundam 00 season2 We want to make a future where everyone understands each other.

That is just however, mere idealism at this day and age.

18 Storms

2009-03-04T00:11:00.002+08:00

The bellows of rage, the cries of sadness, the shrieks of pain.
Let your voices thunder in the halls between heaven and hell. Let your desires be heard in this world.

The blade of pride, the sabre of death, the sword of defense.
Let your blows flash like lightning in the skies above. Let your strikes be seen in the heavens.

The sweat of fear, the droplets of agony, the laments of sadness.
Let your tears rain upon the ground below. Let your feelings drown the hells.

_____________________________________________________

Why is it that every time it rains, it seems that somebody is crying.
Why is it that every time thunder roars that someone is screaming.
Why is it that every time lightning strikes that someone is running.

17 Colour

2009-02-25T22:48:00.004+08:00

When some say red, they refer to the the red of hate.
When others say red, they refer to the red of love.
When I say red, I refer to the red of blood.

When some say blue, they refer to the vast blue sky.
When others say blue, they refer to the feeling of sadness.
When I say blue, I refer to the drowning in the sea of emotions.

When some say white, they refer to the white wedding gowns.
When others say white, they refer to the white of purity.
When I say white, I refer to the white of emptiness.

When some say black, they refer to the black of cool.
When others say black, they refer to the black of darkness.
When I say black, I refer to black rage.

Look and look again. Why is it that the answer is never hidden but never found?
Find your own truth in your own words.
Make your truth in another person's words.
This is my truth. The truth which lies to everyone. Thus perceived as truth by everyone.

16 Broken

2009-02-15T16:59:00.004+08:00

Feel the swash of the waves against your body.
Endure the heat of the sun burning your skin.
Your eyes are closed,
Your muscles relaxed.

You are blind to your surroundings,
Deaf to all the happenings,
Numb to all the pain,
Oblivious to all sensations.

You are broken,
Unable to function.
Your heart has stopped beating,
Your body has stopped twitching.

There is nothing you can feel,
There is nothing you can do.
You aren't dysfunctional,
You're broken.

15 Unhealing

2009-01-22T00:08:00.003+08:00

I just watched Kannazuki no Miko episodes 1-10. Two more episodes to go. A part of it was tear inspiring. It showed a pain that I was able to relate to. A fear which I hold in my heart. Something I wish to be able to prevent happening ever again. The pain that induces suffering.

If love is infinite,
When you break someone's heart,
You're causing him/her endless pain,
And limitless suffering.

_________________________________________________

Well, that is how I said it.
Wounds unable to heal regardless of time.
Pain unable to disappear regardless of medication.
Scars that are invisible yet portrayed distinctly.

Tears flow endlessly,
Tears shed never to return.
Cries that go on forever,
Cries that cannot be heard.

Confusion.
Hesitation.
Fear.

Confused by actions.
Hesitate from asking.
Fear of losing what little there is left.

Braving through the storm,
Walking on and on.
In spite of rain or snow,
The flicker of hope remains to glow.

However, you cannot avoid the inevitable.
Regardless of how many detours you take,
You will still end on the same path.
That little flicker,
That little flame,
Has no chance,
None at all.
It will die.
Glow no more.
Disappear forever,
Leaving nothing but hollow darkness.
Unable to be filled.
A void in the heart.
That is unable to close.

Thus, a pain unhealing. A painful truth unravelling. Hurt emotions unsealing.

14th Findings

2009-01-20T21:38:00.003+08:00

First of all, this post was brought over from another site of my own that I doubt any of you would have read.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Picking up items off the floor,
I saw something of great significance.

A piece of paper,
With a vaguely recognizable handwriting.
And I realize,

It's mine...

On it were words,
Of wisdom or of destruction.
It reminded me,
Of what is it I am doing.
Of what is it that I have done.

My views, my perceptions.
My thoughts, my critics.

Looking at it,
It isn't unkind.
It's true.
But not really.
There are exceptions to it.
Minimal though they are,
Isn't it a sin to exclude them?
To ignore them?

Then I move on,
And found a few pieces of plastic.
Acrylic, I thought.
And then realise,
That the words written on it.
Are again written by me.

Here is what it says:

Everyone has their own selfish desire...

What's important is what your desire is for...

Happiness is a fleeting emotion...

Evil does not always bring harm to others...

World domination is not a crime...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are they all true?
Or are they just a form reasoning for these sins?

I guess everyone's perception and views on things are different. Mine isn't necessarily right.

But I am always right. For I am never wrong.

If I don't believe in those words myself, then who will believe in me?

Realizations

2009-01-15T18:09:00.002+08:00

"One step at a time? Don't be ridiculous. I refuse to be so laid back. There isn't time for me to look at everything so closely. I only stop for things that I absolutely have to. There are no other exceptions. Through leaps and bounds I shall cover a distance that is impossible through mere steps. I wish to venture past the limits and boundaries set by those who failed all around the world. I wish to surpass everything and set my own limits." Said the boy sitting on the edge of the cliff.

"Then how long are you going to sit there on your end and keep talking about it? The way I see it, you're the one who's hindering your own path." Said the girl, standing a safe distance from the cliff edge while looking at the boy.

"You are indeed right. That is the reason why I hate myself. I hate my own inability to accomplish something I want to. I hate this ineptitude to move forward, even if it is one step at a time. If I don't leap, I won't move. I hate myself for being this way." replied the boy

"So what will you do about it. This part of you that you hate so much?" girl asked.

"If there was something that worked, I would not be sitting here as you said. If I had done nothing, I couldn't hate my inability could I? Because it meant that it might not be my own inability but rather my refusal to do something."

"You tried and failed and thus chose to just hate yourself?"

"Yes."

"Is that why you refused my love? Because you hate yourself?"

"To understand love is to first be able to love yourself. To love yourself is to be able to stop hating yourself."

"Stop giving me your cryptic answers. Just tell me."

"No. I cannot love you not because I hate myself. But rather because I know not how to love. I know not what is love. I do not understand this concept called love. Because I have no love for my own self."

"I remember these words passed down to me -

A heart does not know how to hate unless you teach it to
A heart doesn't know how to love unless it is taught to it

If you don't know how to love, why not let me teach you."

"I'd rather try to not hurt you than try something that isn't definite."

"That is already the first step to love my dear friend..." The girl smiled

Wait

2009-01-12T12:17:00.003+08:00

He trembled in anticipation, seated on the sole couch in the small room he was in. The bare lightbulb above him flickered and died. He got up agitatedly and pulled the curtains apart allowing light from the streetlamps light up his room. He made as if to sit down again but instead he started pacing. Glancing at the clock, he kicked his stack of books in frustration. Time seemed to be passing extremely slowly to his eyes. He was restless. The minute hand seemed to him to be moving at the pace of the hour hand. A dull throbbing pain in his foot made him regret kicking his books. Staring at the mess on the floor, he pondered whether to pick them up or just let them be. It would be hours still till he would get what he was waiting for. A small slip of paper. A piece of paper that would determine his future. The clock indicated that it had just turned four in the morning. He had not slept yet waiting for that one slip of paper.

He walked up to the table. It was finally time. His eyes were bloodshot and his muscles were aching but he ignored them. This piece of information mattered to him more than life. Or rather, it was his life. He took hold of the slip that was passed to him and started to read the words on it. Before he could read a single word however, he collapsed onto the hard wooden floor. Exhaustion had got the better of him. People started moving towards him but he held up the slip with a shaking hand and read through it quickly. He let his hand fall no longer able to escape the necessity of sleep. The wait had been long...

Pride

2008-11-13T21:49:00.004+08:00

Pride.
Pride is something that despises arrogance.
Arrogance is not pride.
Arrogance is a disgrace.
Arrogance is something that blinds someone.
A warrior is defeated but stays on the battlefield.
That is arrogance.
A defeated warrior who returns to the battlefield.
That is pride.
One who is prideful will not disgrace himself.
He will not allow a person to see him defeated.
One who is arrogant will fight.
He will fight repeatedly till he dies.
That arrogance is hateful.
It hurts everyone related to that person.

One who has pride.
Knows when he has lost.
Knows when he is wrong.
However insists that he is right.
Arrogance is different.
It is the inability to accept that he was wrong.
It is the ignorance of what is right.

So, which are you?
Are you arrogant?
Are you prideful?
Or are you none?
Or are you both?

I am pride.
The one who understands the pride of a human.
The one who knows of the pride of a god.
The one who has the pride of a demon.
A demon worthy of the name given to it.

Diabolus.
The devil. Pride is a thing which lives in every creature. The pride a demon however, is different.
Creatures will remember to defend their pride.
The demon lives as his pride. if he is wrong, he will make the wrong become a right. Thus this pride is the very likeness of the pride of god? Wrong. It is much weaker. It pales in comparison to the pride of the creator. A demon only has the abilities to change the perception of people. A god however, has the abilities to create a whole new perception and label it as 'right'. That is why god is superior to the demon.

That hateful arrogance,
that unseemly pride.
A choice to dance an unsightly dance,
or sit and watch from the side.

Make your choice. One is arrogance, one is pride. Be wise.

If you choose to dance, you are arrogant. If you sit and watch, you are prideful.

Flee

2008-11-10T21:47:00.003+08:00

Hope beyond hope,
Dreams beyond dreams.
Death after life,
Guilt after deed.

Regrets are aplenty,
Sadness is an inevitability.
Even if it were possible to cry,
It would be nothing but a lie.

If it is a burden to you, leave it behind. Don't cause yourself pain and suffering for no reason. Sometimes, its okay to run away. But you know what you have to face eventually.

Repentance

2008-08-11T10:03:00.003+08:00

What is it that you all seek? What is the question that you all ask? What is the answer you all want to hear? What is it that you all are doing here? What is it that you have to do? What is it that you all want to do? What is it that you all hold dear? Why is it that I must be the one? Why is it that I am not the one? Why is it him? Why is it her? Why should I do this? Why can't I have this? Why can't I do that?

You all frequently ask the questions you know the answers to. Yet do you realy have the courage to answer it? To seek the answer within yourselves? To realize the meaning behind your every intention? To grasp the situation of your lives? To even question your own moral integrity and beliefs to realize that you all have the answers to what you seek just that you do not dare to answer them. You fear. That's right. You FEAR. To not be able to answer these questions because you fear that the answer might destroy your beliefs, destroy your trust. Break the bonds you have with each other. It is after all easier to admit that you are wrong than to admit that others are right. What can you do to escape this denial that you have? This everlasting fear in your hearts and minds.

Your worst enemy isn't the person you hate the most. It is your own heart and mind. Going against your own heart and mind would be going against your own beliefs and your own conscience. It is to break the sane reasoning you have lived your entire life with. I am always right for I am never wrong. You reason with your mind with this kind of saying. To go against your own will, to break this safety barrier in your mind. That is what is called having the courage to admit that others are right. To break this safety of reasoning is what is called repentance. To be able to admit that you were wrong, and to be able to change your ways because of your own realization that you were wrong. That is called repentance.

The fear you hold in your heart are equivalent to the amount of love you hold in your mind. The amount of love in your heart is equivalent to the amount of fear you have in your mind. Those who do not love have no fear. But there is no such man without love in this world. That much has been proven. For a man without love, will find no reason to stay alive in the harsh reality of this cruel world.

Belief

2008-03-23T16:11:00.003+08:00

There are just three things for a human in this world that should never be taken away.
The body, the mind and the soul.
The body represents health.
The mind represents knowledge.
The soul represents belief.
A person needs to have something they believe in or there is something in them that is missing. If you don't believe in anything at all, you can't expect to be able to live in the harsh reality. To believe in something gives you the hope you need to live in the harsh and cruel reality that is the world right now. So a person who doesn't believe in anything is an extremely pitiful being...

____________________________________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is no such truth that is governed by a single individual. The truth is only as powerful as the amount of people who belive in it. Even if you were able to reveal the truth, if no one is convinced, then that would be a lie to reality. The truth is something not an individual decides on but rather the masses. The truth can be bent out of shape and pioneered by others. The truth is never really always the truth. In reality, the truth that we know of may be false. A man may be lying but if there is a person who believes him, to that particular person, what the man said would be the truth. Just like when you say the truth, as long as people don't believe you, what you just told them would be a lie to them. I can say that I am able to predict the actions of man but you would say that it was all just a lie because you don't believe me. Such is the cruel and harsh reality these days. Information being true or false is really up to the person interpreting it. There is no real truth in this world. None.

Untitled

2008-02-20T21:08:00.003+08:00

I'm confused... This is the first time I've been unable to type a post... I've failed to type this post for quite a while now... Well, I guess this post just isn't meant to be an ordinary one...

There is nothing that can't be replaced in this world.
Nothing but love that is.
And so we take advantage of this.
Then we look back into the past and imagine the future.
Trying to solve all the problems one by one.
Then we will certainly say things that we don't really mean.
We hunger for knowledge.
Striving to go past our limits.
Cherishing what we have.
And some people will eventually be made miserable.
Then you start asking yourself questions.
Then you make decisions.
While reading a book.
Then you fall asleep dreaming.
Realising new things.
While reminiscing about the past.
Suddenly you start to feel anxious,
then afraid.
You search for the perfect.
Bearing grudges along the way.
Ending up in a void.

If you find the meaning behind this post, congratulations. Tell me for I want to know who you are. The tagboard after all is open for use...

Void

2008-02-08T18:02:00.000+08:00

A blank space. An empty area. A void.

Somewhere where nothing exists and where exists nothingness.

An empty shell. Nothing but a body with no soul or mind... Something devoid of life...

No human is devoid of emotion. No human is a void. Every human exists as a whole being for they are able to feel. They are able to experience emotions. They are able to smile, they are able to cry. They are able hate and they are able to be hated. They can fear and also be feared. Thus every human has emotions.

When it's time to be happy, go ahead and smile.
When it's time to be sad, go ahead and cry.
When it's time to be angry, go ahead and shout.
When its time to fear, go ahead and run.

Being able to feel is an ability of all living beings. Don't treat anything as if they are devoid of emotions. For they are not a void where nothing exists.

Grudge

2008-02-05T20:14:00.000+08:00

If you make me hate something, that is still fine. But if you make me hate you, then don't expect me to have any other feelings for you. I feel no sympathy. I feel no pity. I have no obligations to. The only thing I feel is mercy. I am merciful. That is the only thing I have.

Hate is an emotion that is powerful.
Felt by many but controlled by none.
Hate is really hateful.
It causes blindness.
It causes pain.
There is none who can control it.
There is none who cannot feel it.
I remember the feeling.
The feeling where hate led me.
The feeling of revenge.
Is another thing to fear.
Revenge is never sweet.
It is metallic, slightly salty and definitely in red.
Revenge is the drawing of blood.
Blood is the essence of life.
The river that keeps you alive.
I have what you don't.
An affinity with it.

Blood is really delicious to a person like me. But to humans, it's disgusting.

Searching

2008-01-27T17:31:00.000+08:00

"Where can I find it?! I've looked everywhere but I still can't find it?! Where is it hidden?! Where could I have not searched?!"

My dear disciple, have you indeed searched everywhere? Not just material places like that park over there, the village over the mountains and the houses by the lake. Have you searched for it everywhere that can contain it?

"I don't understand teacher, what are you talking about?"

How have you searched my dear disciple, what did you use to search for it?

"How else can I look if not with my eyes? How else can I move if not with my feet? How can I hear if not with my ears?!"

Have you tried searching with your heart? You misunderstand. Affection cannot be found with eyes, love cannot be approached, care cannot be heard. You won't find the person who you care for the most with just your eyes. Look into your heart and seek the answer. This is something I cannot help you with. Figure it out on your own. If you don't you'll never find out. I didn't teach you all these years so that you would fail this last mission. Go out there and live amongst humans as a human. Find the one who you will care for and protect that person. That is the only way you would ever be the greatest.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No matter how hard I tried, no matter how long I searched. Results were seen only few and far between. No human would become the greatest human in history. Their hearts are either too soft or too hard. They end up as power hungry fools or those that are not willing to sacrifice. This is why humans are not perfect. There is no perfect human that can understand this concept. Which is why to me, humans are inferior beings. Weak and unable to progress through evolution of the times and unite. Unable to come together in large groups without looking at another person in disgust or mantain a sense of awareness and respect towards those around him. It is an atmosphere where no one can be in for it will not happen. I don't think I will ever find satisfying results...

Fear

2008-01-16T21:25:00.000+08:00

People used to live in constant fear. They are aware that their lives may be taken at any time. They know that their lives are in constant danger. And thus they live in fear of that. They learnt how to cherish every moment of life. How to value every friend. How to take care of every possession. How to groom every pet. How everything around them would never last forever and that they would soon be taken away from them.

Right now in this day and age, poeple live their lives so carefree. What they fear is not dying, but instead its the lack of money, lack of rescources, poor grades, looking uncool, being lousy at sports, that others are going to usurp their position. They learn to backstab, make fun of others, spread rumours, gossip, lie, steal, cheat, kill for their benefits. To them, money is everything. Without money, they would not be able to enjoy luxuries nor keep up with the trend and eventually become unhip or uncool.

This is the difference. The greatest difference. You could die right now to a terrorist attack, a bomb, a deadly virus, and many other life-threatening accidents. Yet, you ignore all of these facts and live life with just this one mentality: It cannot happen to me because I am safe right now. It will not happen to me because it just won't. These two statements occur in your sub-conscious minds. You can say whatever you want but you know the truth. Either that or you would be in self-denial.

I am not saying that you should be living your life in fear. But you should at the least acknowledge that these are facts and that they can happen. You are a fool to be fearing the wrong things. You are afraid of trivial matters that matter not. That is the biggest mistake of humans living in this day and age. The time of peace that we all live in right now has given you a sense of over-security. You think that you are protected but remember this! Humans are fragile beings. You can break their limbs easily. You can also break their mind easily.

Death is all around you. You can try to run away from it pretending that death is always chasing you around biding its time to strike. But you are wrong. Death is a part of life. Once your life ends, that is death. Death is within you on a fuse like a bomb. Once the fuse, which is life, reaches its end, the bomb will detonate leaving death in its wake. Death is always with you. It is a part of life. All will die one day. And all will come to regret the things he/she has done in life on that day.

But this fear can be overcome by any humans in their life.

But then, there is always one fear that cannot be overcome by anyone in the world. They will always fear, GOD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A simple and short 500 word essay. I din't know what for but suddenly i wanted to write something and what I came up with was this. Fear.

Anxious

2008-01-12T21:20:00.000+08:00

You worry for others all the time don't you?
I can tell.
Spending an hour with you is more than enough for me to know what kind of person you have become.
Somehow I think that you are just too selfless.
You make it seem as if it benefits you only as an afterthought.
"I mean, it's practically revision for me also what."
It has become clear that you place others before yourself.
You worry for others a lot.
You want to help those that you can.
You want to help them solve their problems.
But to me, you are the one with the most problems.
I guess my level of interpretation is actually quite different from anyone else's point of view.
But that doesn't bother me.
You hesitate thinking that you aren't doing something that is right.
You are afraid of making a wrong decision.
You don't want to leave people behind you.
You don't want to see people struggle through.
You want to see them progress and succeed.
But have you thought of how YOU are going to achieve YOUR success first?
Have you thought that maybe your actions may cause you to drop in standard?
Have you thought of all the repercussions that might occur?
(oh yes... mr tan just brought in a piece called repercussion didn't he?)
It's not that I think your views are shallow and your way of thinking is wrong.
It's just taht you have to know what's best for yourself before helping others.
If you can't solve your own problems first, achieve your achievements first, answer your own questions first, how are you going to be able to solve others' problems, help them attain their achievements and help them find the truth in the matter and still gain something from it?
Whatever I type is not to put you down, make you feel that you are wrong and you need to change or you will fail. That you have caused yet another soul to be troubled.
No. I just want you to think furthur into your actions and see what it has done for you. And take the path that you really want. The one which you think is right. I don't want you to be troubled by my words. Call them gibberish if you want to. But knowing you, you wouldn't. Don't spend more than an hour dwelling on this post if you ever read it! Hear me! It is my responsibility if my words cause an adverse effect on you.

While you worry about others, I worry about you, you know. Sometimes, it's troublesome to be able to interpret whatever people say and transform them into their feelings and emotions and then change it to words on paper. But, if I can't even help those who are near me, how can I ever attain my true dream... But it is really unattainable, this dream of mine... Don't ever think that you don't deserve to be selfish once in a while and think about yourself before you think for others. Other people can formulate their own opinions. But if you don't make you own, no one else can make your opinion for you. Every person changes according to the emotions and experiences that they have felt and gone through in life. That makes each and every person a unique individual...

Reminisce

2008-01-01T15:04:00.000+08:00

All those experiences that we had gone through... All those times that we had shared... All of it has passed... Times of the past; its there...

What we need is a new beginning. To complete the ending. A new beginning signifies the end of an ending. And an ending signifies the start of a new beginning.

That is our world. Where the beginning and ending is the same. Its but a continuous cycle. When the moon rises at one part of the earth, it sets at another. When one leaves this world, another comes into it. There is no ending to this cycle. Not yet anyway. There are a plentiful of things to be questioned. There are plentiful things to be answered. But who knows which answers belong to which questions?

We face yet the end of another day, another month, another year. So we now lie back, take a drink and reminisce the memories that we had created. A whole year we have left behind; And a whole new year awaits us. We think of all our actions, our emotions. Experiences that are bitter and sad, experiences that are joyful, those that had made you mad. Think of all the hurt you had caused others. All the hurt others caused you. All that worry and all that pain. We leave behind yet again.

There is a new cause for us to live in this new year. There is a job we must fulfill. There is an answer we must attain. A new resolution to make. An old one to keep. And and older one to change. In this world where everything continues evolving and changing to adapt to the new surroundings, there is a need for us to change too. We cannot continue to stay how we are. We have to keep striving to achieve our dreams. We have to improve ourselves. Enhace our own abiities. We have to up our performance.

Another year has passed. A whole year of mistakes and success. Mistakes for us to learn from. Successes for us to improve upon. We have moved into another repeat of the same cycle. But more aware. More intelligent and more successful. Now we have to take what we have. And make it better. Push up our limits. And survive another year. A year where we can stumble through our lives picking up broken pieces, discovering more about yourself than you ever knew.

A human lives accross a certain lifespan. And throughout that lifespan is knowledge, experience and skills that the particular individual can acquire. However, decisions that the person makes, causes him/her to miss out some of those pieces. Therefore decreasing his efficiency level. The longer the person lives the more he can pick up. However there are more decisions that he has to make. Causing more of those pieces to be left behind.
So, we have to find the answers to the questions that causes us to make a certain decision so that we can make the better decision for how we want to live our lives.

We have this new year to make more decisions. To make the decisions which will affect your future. I hope you will make the better decision for your life so that all of this year can be put to good use.

So to end this off, I wish you all a very happy new year. Put effort in whatever you do and may you succeed.

Words

2007-12-09T18:46:00.000+08:00

Turbulence
noun
1.	unstable flow of a liquid or gas
2.	instability in the atmosphere
3.	a state of violent disturbance and disorder (as in politics or social conditions generally); "the industrial revolution was a period of great turbulence"

Chaos

c.1440, "gaping void," from L. chaos, from Gk. khaos "abyss, that which gapes wide open, is vast and empty," from *khnwos, from PIE base *gheu-, *gh(e)i- "to gape" (cf. Gkkhaino "I yawn," O.E. ginian, O.N. ginnunga-gap; see yawn). Meaning "utter confusion" (1606) is extended from theological use of chaos for "the void at the beginning of creation" in Vulgate version of Genesis. The Gk. for "disorder" was tarakhe, however the use of chaos here was rooted in Hesiod ("Theogony"), who describes khaos as the primeval emptiness of the Universe, begetter of Erebus and Nyx ("Night"), and in Ovid ("Metamorphoses "), who opposes Khaos to Kosmos, "the ordered Universe." Chaotic is from 1713.

–noun

a hypothetical force formerly held to pervade all nature and to manifest itself in magnetism, mesmerism, chemical action, etc.

Also, odyl, odyle.

[Origin: 1840–50; arbitrary name coined by Karl von Reichenbach (1788–1869), German scientist]

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

Ahaha random words that I think needs to be known... Or at least clarified...

Dreams

2007-11-26T22:55:00.000+08:00

I remember a dream that I had. Once upon a long time ago. Actually, it was only one and a half years ago. It was a memorable dream. No. That's not it. It was more like, unforgettable. It isn't to be remembered; it is never to be forgotten. That is the diference if you don't know. There are those just like you who are ignorant out there. There are those who know, those who are ignorant and those who feign ignorance. The tyoe that I hate most are the ones who feign ignorance. They know yet they don't want to know. They have no guts to stand up to the truth that appears in front of them. They are afraid of the truth. Such spineless cowards. If they know the truth then share it with those who want to know the truth and can handle the truth. There is no point of knowing the truth if you are going to just ignore it and then run away from it. If you only desire to hear the "pleasant" side of the truth that is as good as not knowing the truth. If you want the truth then know the entire truth. Not just a portion of it. The truth is wide and varied among people but it is still the truth. That is the thing about the truth which makes people not desire to pursue the truth.

Digressing from one topic to another... That is just like me... A trait of a horn section member under an unnamed horn player...

That's it. I'm not in the mood to talk about that anymore. On to the next topic...

What are you doing here reading my blog for?! You no-lifer! This blog is not for the faint-hearted!!! It is not for immature brats who want to make fun of other people either! Nor is it for those fools that are out there who seriously can't do anything but insult other people! Start reflecting on your actions and stop dreaming right this instant people! THIS IS LIFE!!! What you need is a mirror. A mirror which doesn't show your reflection. Instead it shows the true emotions that you are feeling. It shows emotions so that you know how you look like. How ugly or beautiful you really are. There is no age to immaturity just as there is no age to maturity. It is how developed your mind is. How you think and how you interpret things! No! Not like in social studies!! That subject is where the teachers want you to think according to some system! They limit you and you must never follow them. These shallow minded people must look furthur into the truth and look for the subtle hints that the sub-conscious mind take! And that is the way to get through to people! Sub-conscious thoughts! These will get to them in their... Guess what?... DREAMS...

End of story! Updated! Happy now you meaty visitor?! Full of beef...

The truth is never what it seems to be...

13th Post

2007-11-06T20:13:00.000+08:00

An excerpt from my story...

A drop of rain falls from the sky. Following it a downpour so heavy it could flood a city. But it never seems to reach anywhere. As if the rain is only around him. It is as if the rain is his emotions. As if his sadness is causing the sky to rain. As if the sky is crying for him. I stood there watching. As if I was mesmerized by this phenomenon. By the way the rain falls on him. The way the rain is only around him. I stood there watching, mesmerized by this sight.

The novel writing competition has started and I'm way behind... I shall have to delay any furthur posting till the end of the month of November.

12th Decisions

2007-11-03T21:46:00.000+08:00

There is nothing more to say.
There is nowhere to run.

What will you do?
Where will you go?

You have reached the limit.
There is nowhere else to turn.
No more lies to tell.
No more space to run.

You are surrounded.
By your own mistakes.
You have been boxed in.
By the walls you made.

You have to decide.
You can't go on forever.

They will catch up to you.
No matter how fast you run.
No matter how far you run.
No matter how long you run.

There is no way for you to escape.
No more tricks to pull.
No more lies to tell.
No more roads to run.

11 Questions

2007-10-22T20:10:00.000+08:00

Question 1
What defines reality from imagination?

Question 2
Who defines what is right or wrong?

Question 3
What does love really mean?

Question 4
Who do you turn to when you need help?

Question 5
Where would you go to run from your troubles?

Question 6
Who do you depend on to understand you?

Question 7
Who do you really care for?

Question 8
Who do you really like?

Question 9
Who do you love?

Question 10
Do you really love that person?

Question 11
Does he fit into all those categories above?

10th Miserables

2007-10-19T20:54:00.000+08:00

I hate these creatures...
The majority of them anyway...
Useless and insensitive...
Liars and tactless...

What creatures you ask?
Easy.
You're one yourself.
A human being.

Why.
A simple question.
Requiring ananswer on a totally different level.
An answer whose depth is unparalleled by even the deepest ocean.
Let me tell you, the reason why.

You all are insensitive.
You ask questions that don't have to be answered.
Yet you ask them to answer.
You talk about things that affects others.
In a tone which is totally unsuitable.
You ask questions without thinking of their feelings.
And when they get angry at you.
You say, "i tried to talk to you nicely yet you get angry with me. You are totally unreasonable."

Well I got news for you!
You're the one being unreasonable.
You are insensitive to my feelings yet you behave in that manner.
You cannot even begin to comprehend what you are talking about.

It's like having someone close to you killed,
And then telling them to grow up and move on in an angry tone.

It's like that.
Try to imagine that!
That's how it is.
You are but insensitive.
Stupid.
Incomprehensible.
And blind to emotions.

It has been made clear that I don't want to talk about it.
Yet you pursue the matter.
You keep badgering me until you get an answer.

You are but nothing.
Nothing!

Nowhere close to the level of understanding I have.
Not everything you see is what there is.
There are feelings and emotions behind every face.
You can tell by each tone of voice.
What they are feeling.
They can mask it.
But it cannot hidden totally.
That is impossible.
Unless you are not human.
Which you are.

There is a certain extent to everything you can do.
And there is a limit to everything you can do.
Don't do something that makes others miserable.
For you can never know
What they are thinking inside those minds of theirs.

9th Treasures

2007-10-14T11:05:00.000+08:00

What is really precious to you?
What do you really want?
What do you really need?
What is it that you really treasure?

You know what you want, what you have.
You know what is really precious to you.
But do you really treasure it?
Or do you take it for granted?

I despise it.
The way I go about.
As if nothing really matters.
As if notthing is important.

There is a need to know.
There is a must to realise.
What is really important to you.
And to cherish it.

For it can disappear.
It can be taken away.
In an instant.
in just one moment.

Treasure what you have.
And cherish it.
You may never know.
If it would be taken away from you.

Nothing is eternal.
Nothing is infinite.
Nothing is forever.
Nothing is everlasting.

So cherish everything.
Take nothing for granted.
Whether it is a precious belonging.
Or a loved one.

They do not last forever.
So cherish them while they are still here.

8th Limitations

2007-10-07T12:42:00.000+08:00

You feel inferior.
You feel weak.
You feel helpless.
You feel useless.

But that isn't true.
You know that isn't true.
You are much stronger.
You know you are.

You look at people.
Who are better than you.
Then you say that you are weak.
That you are incapable of good things.

You have to stop this madness.
Stop this insanity.
There are people better than you.
There will always be those better than you.

But there will always be those.
That are better than those you look up to.
In this world,
There is no best!

There will always be someone better.
Someone stronger.
Someone much more capable.
And no one can reach the top of the list.

Look at whats in front of you.
Look at it.
Realise that you are good.
Even though there is someone better.

Wake up from your dreams.
You will never be the best.
There will always be someone better.
Don't strive for the impossible.

Don't get depressed from reading this.
This is not to demoralize you.
I want you to wake up from your actions.
And realize that there will always be someone better.

It's not wrong to want to be better than others.
But to strive and persevere to that point.
That is a mistake.

You work hard.
You work even harder.
But there is a time.
Where you have reached your limits.

But you want to surpass your limits.
But realize this.
If you surpass your limits,
Then those aren't your limits.

Limits are unsurpassable.
It is the peak of the mountain.
You can't climb on nothingness.
You can't step on air.

Know where your limits are.
If you haven't reached them yet,
Then you can continue going forward.

7th Knowledge

2007-09-24T20:19:00.000+08:00

What would you know about pain?
What would you know about suffering?
The only way to know it is to experience it.
And you apparently haven't.

You are nothing but a fool.
You act as if you're not afraid.
But you're trembling in fear.
In a place unseen to the human eye.

I can tell.
For I know.
I will know what I want to know.
And nothing will stop me from finding out what I want to know.

I see through your act,
I see through your lies.
I see through your little facade.
I can see right through you.

You don't look scared on the surface.
But that is because you don't know me.
There are things that are beyond your imagination.
Things that everyone rather not know.

There are many things that happened.
Many things in the past.
But who can ever be certain.
That the past will live on.

I control my feelings.
I control my emotions.
Stop them from flowing out
Like an endless river.

I control my anger.
Keep my hatred.
For then no one can be hurt.
No onle will die.

I swore to a person long ago.
That I would never again.
Play around with human lives.
And think of consequences.

There are many things you don't know.
And I want to let it be that way.
There is more than two sides of me.
But the third should never be revealed to anybody.

For I am RideRRaideR.
And None,
Shall Truly Oppose Me.

6th Sayings

2007-09-23T09:47:00.000+08:00

I love you that I would even die for you...

Not a pretty thing to say
Not at all
Why torture the one you love
By dying in front of them
Dying is easy
People do it all the time
Living is difficult
There are too many challenges
Too many choices
Too many risks
Yet so little time
So little chances
So cherish your life
And the one you love
Don't allow them
To be plagued with guilt
Live their life
Knowing that
They should have died
Instead of you
And they feel
That they are not worthy
Of living a life
Given to them by another
Who lost their's

5th Thoughts

2007-09-20T18:43:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking.
Quite a lot.
I think about my problems.
I think about my flaws.
I think about my mistakes.
My sins and lies.
And every other negative aspect about me.

Then I started wanting.
I started to desire to solve my promblems.
I thought that I could solve all my problems.
In one shot alone.
With strong willpower,
Nothing is impossible.

That's what I thought.

And I was wrong.

I realised with some help from above.
That I shouldn't jump into my problems
And tackle them all at once.
That I would just drown in them.
And struggle to get through.

I have to take a step at a time.
One step at a time.
Solve one before going to another.
And seek help to solve those that I can't solve alone.

A warriors pride and honour,
Keeps him standing in a fight that is already lost.
But he will still admit defeat to his opponent.
A warrior will not be defeated cowering.
He would stand up and fight.

That is the attitude I need.
That's how I need to behave.
To solve these many flaws that I have.
To solve all of them.

A warrior will not think of how to kill all of his opponents in one strike.
Instead he will concentrate on how skilled they are.
On how fast he will have to move to dodge a blow and strike back.
On the amount of time he can last against his opponents.
And how he will have to defeat them all in that amount of time.
And that means priorities.

I need to put what I have to do ahead of what I want to do.

Don't think that just because it is not their burden to bear,
they won't help a friend in need.
A true friend will always be there to lend you a shoulder to lean on.
So don't be afraid to share your problems with a friend.
They will not leave you in the lurch.
For they are those who have put their confidence in you
And the people that you have put your confidence in.

4th Memories

2007-09-11T22:55:00.000+08:00

Have you ever found the time.
To just stop what you are doing.
And think back on your actions.

When you do,
You will find yourself saying,
I should have done this
I could have done that.
Then you say,
well, it's too bad.
It's too late to change these things.

And you are quite right.
In rememberence of September 11,
We would all think on what had happened
Six years ago,
On that fateful day.

If I was a passenger on the planes,
Would I have fought against those terrorists?
If I was one of those in the World Trade Centre,
Would I have been more concerned of my own safety,
Or would I have been worried about others?

If I was a member of the public,
And I witness the event.
Would I have ran away?
Or would I have rushed forward to help the victims?
Where would I have ran to and why?
Would I run to
A place of worship,
A place of tragedy,
Or where my loved ones are?

All these unanswered questions.
No one can answer them but yourself.
But you are in doubt.
Deep down somewhere,
You know how you would have felt.
The immobility of fear,
The fear of immobility,
The sense of helplessness,
The sense of dread,
The feeling of sadness,
The feeling of pity.

And then you ask yourself.
Whom did you fear for?
The victims?
Your loved ones?
Or is it youself?

It is not wrong to be selfish,
It is only human nature to be more concerned about yourself than others.
But have you thought
For the people suffering,
For the people dying,
For those lives that have been lost.
Have you given them even a single thought,
After you ran away.
Into the safety of elsewhere,
Did you think for them?
Pray for them?
Hope for their safety?
Wish for their longevity?

Well, this isn't for you to feel guilty about your inability to help others.
Your selfishness not to even spare a thought for others.
Nor is this to make you regret what you have done then.

But this is a rememberance.
To the mistakes that ordinary human beings make.
No matter how extroardinary the situation,
Human nature will always come into play.
Save yourself first.
You can think about anything else later.

But what if you don't have time to think for them
And your immediate actions will affect the outcome of everyone.

A quote from a book,

"You are to make a life or death decision by the end of this sentence. Oops, too late. You're dead."

You don't always have time to stop and think.
So never hesitate when you are doing something.
It is time you can't spare.
Prepare yourself for the eventuality of another tragedy.
May it be due to rising sea levels due to global warming.
Or another terrorist attack.
Prepare yourself.

For the only certainty in life,

Is hardship.

And death...

3rd Impacts

2007-09-06T18:24:00.000+08:00

Something prompted me,
to think of such a thing.
Where would I be,
after everything.

Where would I end,
Where was the beginning.
When would the sand,
Stop flowing.

Time would never,
stop moving.
My body however,
One day will be dying.

I would not live forever.
I could not live forever.
My life will end,
For I am man.

This is a race,
weak and foolish.
Think only of face,
Never once do they relish.

It is a fact.
It is the truth.
But they'll say heck.
And call you uncouth.

They want happiness.
Avoid sadness.
But in their desires,
They hurt others.

They are blind,
Look only at their future;
Ignore the rest of their kind.
That is their culture.

Look at this place.
Where we all live in.
All those days.
They created this much sin.

Our world is breaking.
The environment is falling.
Instead of trying to fix it.
They envision the advantages of it.

Ignore the calamities it brings,
Think only of the good things.
Such is humankind.
A race which is unkind.

2nd Meetings

2007-07-31T22:10:00.000+08:00

My love for you is endless
My feelings for you is limitless
Higher than the skies
Deeper than the seas

It is infinite
It has no beginning
It has no end
It has no limit

Nothing can stop me from loving you
For you are the only one that will do
I will be there wether you see me
For nothing can stop me

Your face tells me emotions
Your tears bring me sadness
Your smile makes me happy
Your words mean a lot to me

My only wish is to be with you
Even though it'll never come true
I think of you every night
And then I lose a bit of fight

I see your face everyday
In pictures or in the day
I think about how you feel
If you're sad, happy or feeling ill

I want to take away
all your pain and sadness
But there is no way
Not even by a curse

So i just watch from afar
And hope that you'll forgive me
I'm sorry I can't do anything for you
But my feelings are sincere and true

First Words

2007-07-22T16:45:00.000+08:00

When the moon rises, the sun sets,
When water evaporates, the clouds rain;
When someone dies, another is born,
When someone loves, another will hate
~
~
Nothing is irreplaceable. When something is taken away, something else is given as compensation. You may not know it but it is always there. If I were to die, someone else would take my place in this world.